Pass and Aggregate :Chapter 23: Campus Comatose

Chapter 23: Campus Comatose!

CA Chartered Accountant: Now that I became one, anxiety would leave me forever; Life would be smooth, I will have the best job in the town, I too will be offered the exorbitant salary, would globetrot attending meetings, people will soon recognize me in the biz circles, girls will swoon over me and their parents would consider me as the most eligible bachelor. This never happened, all this while I studied this hard to have a fu****g life like that and I got nothing of this sort., there was no job at my disposal, and no job means no money, no money means no girls and when girls were not in picture even their parents were far from the frame, although I won’t lie that people started viewing me with some amount of respect but that was far short of the expectations I always had.

The day my result came I got so damn excited about the dream CV was in my hands and I just got down on the computer sending it to so many address. Readers you won’t believe but I applied to 40 places and I was never replied. During the initial days I thought maybe they would reply in one or two days but days became week, weeks became fortnight and before fortnight could become month our beloved and benevolent Institute decided to hold a campus placement for us.

                                                

On the day of my result I never thought I would land myself in that cattle fair; no I am not exaggerating but the campus placement organized by our institute is not the exciting sorts as in some Business or Law Schools, it appears as if the unskilled workers land up in horde for some menial jobs. But destiny, so says some, has always have tricks upto its sleeves. Being jobless was never an option so I had to put up with my existing firm till I find a good job in campus or otherwise.

The campus needs registration and that online registration quite some time and energy of mine. Seeing the registration process I somehow had some hopes, may be it won’t be that bad after all we have moved past the depression, there would be better jobs, suitable jobs, payable jobs, enjoyable jobs but there would be jobs and that was just needed at that point of time.

There were many Companies into the foray but I was selected by three, that was not bad considering the fact I was not a first timer. To outsiders I would just tell in short the first timers are people who clear CA in first attempts, they are the cream of the institute, they would be offered good jobs and better packages. Repeaters are like untouchables and at times invisibles. People like me form the lowest pedestal in this hierarchy of the aristocracy called CA.

Coming from the modest repeater echelon I was not given a raw deal considering I was shortlisted by three organizations. I would not divulge the details of the Companies short listing me, not because it would create some issues in public but I guess it is irrelevant. There was bank, Insurance Company and a big Indian Multinational waiting for me at a humble pay package. Beggars are not choosers and although I never liked any of them I prepared hard. The fantasies of my life had deserted me long back and I became far more practical and realistic. I enacted the interview atmosphere several times, read all my books from page to page, got myself the most descent looking Blue colored “Allen Solly” slim fit shirt, and a pair of Khaki Chinos from “Benetton” not to forget the imperative Tie of relatively unknown brand, which even though is never justifiable in the heat and humidity of Mumbai yet remains of an paramount stature.  You may or not wear clothes Tie remains formidable. I also bought myself a pair of very expensive shades. I appeared chiseled and straight out of some fashion show. Readers might be thinking the amount of detailing I am spending on describing the look I carried on the day of my placement and I have not turned into some brand conscious freak but it is essential to tell you these miniscule details so that even you can imagine how much it takes to find a job in today’s India. Even though I used to be handsome but I never was fan followed, may be my attitude was too casual or my dressing too basic, but my changed look was turning the eyeballs. For the first time I was a BTM (Bhaiya Turned Model). I was always the boy next door but the new look suited me and yes few girls were swooning over me, for few days I lived in the ecstasy of “ I have arrived” phenomenon.  It was as if I was consuming Cannabis, I was suffering from mood swings, emboldened at few times, anxious on other.

Finally the campus day came and I was there waiting for my turn. In morning we had interview by the public sector bank. The bank offered postings to Chennai or Coimbatore and hearing these places sent shivers down my spine. All I could remember was my old night mares of big political cutouts falling on me and my relatively new night mares of relatives trying to find a bride for me as soon as I land there. I chickened out and avoided the interview all together. I was all excited about the MNC and the insurance Company. We had two written tests followed by an interview for the Indian MNC, it appeared as if we were appearing for civil services exam, may be the coordinators wanted to show their seriousness or they just wanted everybody to be with a dream till the final list comes out. Due to this two test thing I had to miss out the other interview for the insurance company. I don’t know what course my life would have taken had I chosen the insurance company over the MNC or bank over them.

I was the last person for the interview, I became cranky due to the endless wait and by the time I was being interviewed  my patience was over, I realized how much inept and lost I was for the ultimate test.  I was not able to concentrate on the questions, I became irritable and anxious. The day came and went, nothing happened the model in me existed but CA died. It was the one of the worst experience of my life. I had lost every hope now, everything shattered around me, I was nowhere. Silly and useless people got jobs and I was sitting there holding my file, without job and without hope. I came to a comatose state.

It is not every day you live like that, it is not every day you die like that, there some days in life you just tend to live in a dying state and it was that day for me.

Pass and Aggregate :Chapter 22: Now or Never

                                                          Chapter 22: Now or Never

“Again” is the first word in the dictionary of a CA student. Going through the unending process of exam- results- exam, the whole process was extremely painful, and at times disappointing, after having tried all permutations of choice of books and coaching classes and notes and endless waits between exams, results and anxiety, the level of frustration was higher than ever. I felt like going back to Delhi, but it is never easy to accept the defeat. Had my life been the same normal, Anushka sticking around and supporting me and pampering me and caring for me even after a bad result I might have not bothered much about the whole issue but she was not there with me. I was very much alone and now the same Mumbai where I thought my life is happening just happened to be a night mare. But it is a human tendency to discover oneself in the times of adversity and for once I thank Anushka for having left me heartbroken and uncared and unloved, I discovered myself again.

Love like sweets are at times harmful for growth and I was now diabetic in love, God saved me from the attitude of once again and I was determined and vengeful towards my subjects and I worked hard to conquer them. It became an obsession. I did not want to leave any stone unturned this time and I had in my mind undertaken that it would be now or never. I had my duties towards

I started off my day quite early in the morning, it used to be still dark in Mumbai, but that did not interfered with my routine. My books were better than any girl. They had no expectations but were ready to give everything they had. I realized for the first time how much I loved my books. I could not take my eyes off them and read them thoroughly. I thought it was an infatuation and would be soon over however I realized that my love for them was increasing and towards the exam days I was totally engrossed in it. I was soaked in them to the core and they did not betray. All my exams went pretty well and for the first time I was convinced what I wrote. Anushka was still somewhere in the memory but she started fading away.

Meanwhile Akshya was on the verge of completing her MBA, she had a pre placement offer of ********* (no I won’t disclose), I won’t be making that much( at least I thought so ) hence no need of disclosures but she was my sister and would have been my first client so I was very happy to know the vulgar amount that she would be charging sitting in her posh Gurgaon office. But my happiness was even more because she had found someone of her choice. Although she said she was confused about him but I knew that this Guy, (Abhishek) is going to be the Mr. Right for her. She had her reservation as he was a north Indian and it would take some time for mom to adjust to the concept of “2 States”, as Chetan Bhagat had created.  But I guess my parents dealt with it in a far more understanding manner. Dad just said one thing, stick on to this relationship for one year and then decide and it went perfectly well with couple. They were much in love and agreed to it unquestioningly.

In between it was my D day again, the result was expected and I just became more nervous than ever. The feeling of heart just jumping around and brain throbbing simultaneously is not one of the best feelings. It was as if I was taking a roller coaster ride without belts to protect you from falling. I was experiencing blackouts, momentarily I had some pain in my chest, I thought I might just die of anxiety and panic. My throat was in constant need of water and I gulped almost 3-4 litres to satisfy the thirst.

I was on the net and I fairly arranged my surrounding, praying Lord Karthik and other crores of God to just help me. It was a now or never for me and with each passing second I could not control . Tears had started coming off already, and yes even though I am a guy I cry and I am proud of it.

The result was announce, I entered my roll number and waited , the page was uploaded and I would in that very moment have exploded with the maount of tensions in side me. I had given my best and I was just there numb and sweaty and no palpable audacity surrounded me.

The uploading process took some time and I froze , I could not believe that I cleared it. I will not go in the miiscule details of the marks and all but all I could gather from it was I was a CA. the dream of being CA. V Adithya Iyer was finally achieved. The attitude of “now or never” paid off well.

My mother could not believe it, she was crying more than me and Akshya was all excited and dad was at peace. I was now a CA.

Pass & Aggegate: Chapter 21: Matters of Heart

Chapter 21: Matters of Heart

‘Roses or Lilies’ what should I take for Anushka, I thought, I was meeting her after a long time. Life after 26/11 brought us really close, I kept on thinking we won’t fight ever but that was just not possible when two people in the relationship are just so independent of their opinion and  I was really harsh on her when she just gave a piece of advice to study. She was my girl friend, she had every right to guide me but somehow when any one gave me this sermon on the importance of studying I used to get agitated. I was already working hard but the issue of passing in all subjects but then failing to make it in aggregate by few marks kept on hammering in my mind. I really shouted on her and she just walked away without fighting. I was all my fault and I knew I had to make up but I was unsure about which flowers to take, so  I took a bunch of artificial flowers, I thought this could be nice, they won’t ever die as our love which would live eternally.  

I tried calling her but she was not picking my number, since many days she had avoided me but even I was busy so I just brushed that aside, I knew all is that I have to say sorry and she will understand. But in life we take people for granted and that is what happened, I realized that day I had committed the biggest mistake of my life and I was conveniently ignoring to address it sometimes on the pretext of work and sometimes on pretext of studies. I went to her office waited for her to come down and talk to her then. She came down looking stunning as usual; she saw me and just passed by. I ran after her trying to plead but obviously she won’t listen. Finally she stopped and I said sorry, she curtly replied “its ok” but the expressions in her eyes were stony; she was cold and ice cold. A sense of tension got inside me; I pressed the panic button now. I asked her to speak at least; she just showed the ring on her finger, engagement ring.

My world has collapsed many times but this time it was one of the most severe crashing, I could not believe what I was seeing, my throat choked, now the words were not coming to my mouth, She just removed my hand from her shoulder and said “ I am sorry you were late, really late”.

She got engaged to some green card holder, Ketan, who lived in Boston and earned greenbacks, who was a Gujarati like Anushka and would have liked Dhokla and Undhiyon like her.

Actually there are only two aims of a Gujarati’s life, first is to settle down in America and the second is to settle down in America. She finally achieved her ultimate aim. She took me to Café Coffe Day, I was just staring at her, I mean I could just see her and hear her but I could not understand her.

“Adithya, I am really sorry, I tried thinking about our future but I don’t think it could work, I mean you are not yet settled and I have this pressure on settling down, I could not stand the pressure any more”.

This was true,  how could I go to her father and introduce myself, forget her father How would I go to my father and tell him that I want to settle down with this gir, with meager stipend that I was earning I could do nothing more than buying artificial flowers for the girl I loved. But I failed to understand how could she not stand the pressure of her family, she could very well manage them but I guess she did had no intentions. Our last few meetings and silences, our fights had made her realize that I was not the one but she never let me know this, I was so sad at suddenly being treated as an outsider in life. I could no longer listen to her excuses where she blamed me and I blamed my luck of not becoming a CA. I realized that she had lost all hopes on me after I flunked in May exam also and that was the turning point of my romance. I realized that there is nothing in this world called love there are only conveniences, as long as one person is convenient for the other to romance one can call it love the moment the relationship starts causing inconvenience it just becomes a burden, which is too much too handle. She justified her stance I just said “ You should have told me about your engagement earlier, I would have stopped bothering you than, you kept on ignoring me and I just thought that you were angry on me but you were completing your life and keeping me in dark, that was unethical but wish you good luck in your life, and I hope you won’t mind paying the bill, for you see I am still not a CA, I still don’t earn”. She sat there and maybe I saw a thing called guilt in her eyes but there was no love, had there be some love instead of guilt I would have stayed back and won her, woo her but I knew I was just not that perfect person to fit in her changed landscape of life, I was now just an acquaintance or not even that. Matters of Heart are really complicated, they give u a sudden high when you are absorbed in it and they suddenly bring you down to reality.

The concept of love is so very out dated and I realised I was still living in this old world charm, which was bound to be shattered and it did, My heart had been broken not once but twice and now it did not hurt that much, pain was replaced by indifference I just become a bit solitary not for I had no love because now I had no trust.

That day I came back home, no I did not cried, just brought my books out of the shelf and started studying again.

Pass & Aggregate Chapter 20:Every NIght has a Dawn

Chapter 20: Every Night has a Dawn

News television telecasted that there was some shoot out in Mumbai, I thought it would be some usual gang war stuff that does happen even in the broad day lights of the city, ‘Big deal’ I said to myself and took the remote while trying to navigate between channels but then I had a message, I prayed that it should be Anushka sending me a sweet romantic good night message which she sent during the happier times and which she had stopped sending off late. Okay I am to be blamed equally, because even I stopped sending messages to her, partly because of my never ending work and partly because I was jealous as she was working with her ex boyfriend even though I gave my dissenting opinion.

Anyhow the message was from Anushka, and it was something like this “Adithya, u r the most weird and irritating person I hv met, bt I like your weirdness, I never thought I would say this to u but I want to live my entire life with you, would pray to God that I die before you because I cannot imagine living without you, luv u.”

That message was what I needed to cheer me up, all my pain and exhaustion disappeared , I read the message over and over again, I could not believe my luck, although I would confess just for a nano second the thought of commitment suffocated me.

That was a natural progression on her part I thought and in some point in life even I want to get settled and if she is with me, my life would be a lot happier and contented after all, I love her and I cannot imagine life without her, I typed ‘What entire life?’ and before I could write any further, the worst thing happened, the message was sent.

These touch screen are the worst inventions of our times and while I was criticizing the mobile phone I could do nothing about the message being sent. I started imagining all the repercussions I could face if she thought about the message in another manner. I continued typing so that whole message reaches her before she could interpret it otherwise and kill me. I wrote “What entire life, I would spend all my next lives with you, I don’t know how to react but this night is the happiest night of my life, the thought of being with you brings a sense of fulfillment and contentment, luv u.” And I sent the message thinking, that she would be happy to receive the whole message.

But The Law of Murphy says that "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong" and it went wrong, the second message could not be delivered, I resent the message but the delivery failed and I sent it again, and again and again. So now I thought of calling her and the phone was not reachable.

My anxiety knew no bounds, I tried calling her again and again but then I thought maybe she was in the conference which she had to cover and hence had switched off the cell. To divert my attention, I started with Television once again. Few minutes into news channel and I knew something bad has happened.

I looked at the wall my clock cum calendar showed Time 11:00 pm and date was 26.November.2008.

“It is a massive terrorist attack in Mumbai”, said the news reporter and all I was thinking of Anushka, she had a night shift and had to go to cover a conference at Hotel Taj where the attack took place. My heart started sinking and hands started trembling even faster, while I was trying to call her on the cell phone. The phone was still not reachable. I tried again and again and again but the phone was not reachable.

The last conversation I had with Anushka started playing on my mind,

When I asked her few hours ago about the proposal “Okay when will I get the reply”, And she said “You never know, may be before I die”.

And then I thought of her last message, where she said she will pray to God that she dies before me because she won’t be able live without me. All her sentences were narratives of something bad happening.

I was aghast and devastated, cursing myself. I will not be able to live without her. I started praying to God, “You can’t be that cruel, please keep her safe” I said while keeping my hands folded in front of the Krishna idol. I was shrieking with fear and the most negative thoughts crossed my mind.  

“I have to go and find her at any cost I cannot stay here to await the news about her” I said in agitated manner to Kripal who was sleeping.

He woke from the sleep but could not comprehend what was I talking about and before he could even think, I just left the house. I took the keys of his bike. I started towards Gateway at once, without even realizing that the bike did not have enough petrol to sustain till my destination. It was late at night and although people say about Mumbai that it is the city which never sleeps yet the roads bore a semi deserted look, my bike was running short of fuel, I had to reach the petrol pump before it comes to a halt. I saw a petrol pump at a distance, my luck ran out because after reaching there I found that their stock of petrol finished and all the men there were glued to TV, I too got off and ran to saw the news update, the news were even more disturbing, many police officials had succumbed to the bullets of the terrorists, Mumbai was under siege but I was being very selfish for I thought of only her, whom I loved dearly and more than myself. She was my constant motivating factor, my journey from being a prude guy to being a gentleman (at least I thought that ways) was because of her, and she was one important factor in the process of my evolution, I was incomplete without her. I do not know why only a difficult circumstance is needed for us to realize our love, although I professed my love for her but now I was realizing my love. The mere thought of any harm to her left me agonized.  From the petrol pump I had to take another means of transport, and as the news of the attack spread no one was willing to go in that direction, I did not know what to do, so I started walking. I walked from Mumbai Central till I was near precincts of Taj. I saw the police who were barricading the whole area. I walked till the barricade, I had nothing in mind, “what would I say if they ask me why was I out at this time”, I questioned myself. But I kept walking. The constable asked me in chaste Marathi, although I could not understand much of what he said I just managed to tell him I had someone who is trapped in the Hotel, he just sympathized with me but he could not allow me inside the barricades. I sat there unmoved, completely tired by the long walk, it was the longest walk of my life but the goal was far.  Then suddenly I saw a commotion, the constable told me that terrorists had set fire to The Taj, my anxiety increased further and now tears started flowing from my eyes, the constable could sense my trouble, he kept on assuring me but no amount of words could keep me comforted.

My world was collapsing  with every passing second, I felt all my hopes of finding her alive were ending, I stood up with a resolute to break barrier and get inside and then I heard a familiar voice that came from behind “Adithya, what are you doing here?” I could not believe it was Anushka. She looked even prettier in her dust laden face. For next few seconds the world around me froze, only I could see her coming towards me, the globe was mute but I could hear only her.  She sounded agitated and excited at the same time. As soon as she came near I just felt weak and the nearer she came the weaker I felt. I fell in her arms and could just say “I love you”. I heard her saying “I love you too”. My night was over and a new dawn rose”.

Pass and Aggregate Chapter 19 : Redeeming Myself

                          Chapter 19: Redeeming Myself

“I am not able to reach Adithya, is he with you”? Asked Kripal.

“No he is not with me.” Replied Anushka.

I would like to give a disclaimer that I do not know what exact conversation would have transpired between them but I am just trying to guess as they were talking about me and I know them well.

And although Anushka had drifted apart but for all the practical reasons we were a couple. We were in ‘on and off relationship’, talking was rare; meeting was rarer, holding hands was exceptional and kisses extinct. But we did go out with each other especially when we had a group of friends who were   dating and we did not wanted to be left alone and hated each other even more. We just exchanged a good morning and a good night message daily. Earlier the messages had lot of hugs and kisses and other love filled accessories in a verbose but later it got reduced to a formal and dry “GNSDTC”, which I would read as last nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Coming back to the nature of conversation held between my best friend and my girl friend, although I would say they never hated or despised each other but both of them felt that I am not fit to be with the other person. They were not fond of each other to be more precise.

One’s best friend cannot have much regard for One’s girlfriend and vice versa. And for this reason I have derived a premise and that is ‘if your girlfriend hates your friend and the feelings are mutual then it is a normal situation else the situation could be alarming’. I mean both these characters of any one’s life if they share a healthy relationship either could be siblings or chances of which are more could be potential lovers.

When I told Kripal about Anushka he was of the opinion that she was chirpy and was not too serious about me and for her I was just a casual fling who could get her rid of her boredom and monotonous life. (Friends are the sweetest gift of God to mankind; fact was that Anushka helped me to get rid over my boredom and monotonous life). But I never lobbied for ‘Cause Anushka’ and her feelings in front of Kripal, for if I did that, I would have been termed as a traitor and would have been banished from my circle of friends. And you all know ‘Har friend Zarrori hota hai’

And when I introduced Anushka to Kripal on a casual coffee meet, she never said anything but I could read in her eyes, her eyes said “Is he your friend!”  The sentence has an exclamation mark and you are free to interpret it, negative interpretation would be more appropriate considering the look on her face.

Returning to their assumed conversation

“I thought he would be with you, he was quite upset after the result.” Kripal said.

“What his result came out, what happened”, she asked.

“He had ………………………criteria off ‘Pass and Aggregate’, said Kripal retelling the whole horror story.

“What?  I can’t get you he passed yet he failed! Cut the crap where is he?” she questioned him.

“I have no clue, he is not at the house as no one is picking up the landline, and even Kaka is not at home so I have no idea, I therefore called you”. Kripal said.

“Okay. I think we should rush to your house, he won’t go anywhere and I am scared that he doesn’t take any drastic step.” She said almost sounding nervous. (It is my imagination so she has to sound nervous for me).

“Theek hai, reach there ASAP, I am reaching too”.

“ TRINGgggggggggggggggggggg”

“Triiinnnggggggggggggggggggggg”

I could hear the door bell but I had no energy to open the door. After getting severely depressed I came home and as Kaka was on a holiday I just ordered few Vada Pav from ‘Shri Janta Vada Pav Shenter’ (I know how to spell center but I just wanted to share the spelling written at the hoarding.)

And after eating the spice laden fare I developed nausea and kept on vomiting till I became unconscious. My unconsciousness was broken slightly by the door bell but I thought I it would be a battle to get up and I readily lost it.

After the bell, I could hear someone banging my door and then I could hear Anushka, here I thought I am dead, for how could Anushka come to my house and especially after the last episode where both of us almost came on the verge of explicitly splitting up but could not complete the conversation for some reason. May be that was her fault and though I was far mature to handle jealousies still the topic of her ex boyfriend was not needed that day. Or maybe it was my fault I just over reacted.

Some would manifest death as end of all sufferings but I thought that I was developing fever and feeling nausea and suffering from dizziness  all at once. I thought of all the good times I had seen in life, I wanted to meet my Amma and Appa, Akshyaa, my relatives and extended relatives, all my friends and cousins and my ex girlfriend and my soon to be ex girlfriend before I depart. I also had to write my will but I had nothing to offer except a huge pile of CA books, which would be useless for the next exams too. My life was in front of my eyes, I thought it was none the less an honorable life and thanked God for it and closed my eyes so that I could be lifted in His arms. And there I laid, waiting for my Final Judgment. 

“What has happened to him, he tried committing suicide”? There came a voice, which I guess belonged to the God, and yes I finally discovered that God is a woman because that was a girl’s voice.

I was happy thinking my boyish charms might lead the Goddess to decide in my favor, sending me to heaven instead of hell. But I guess I was wrong, I was going neither to hell nor to heaven.

I could smell Anushka, “Is she dead too, did Mumbai had a tsunami and all of us died, Anushka too died, and finally we will live happily ever after in  heaven” I thought. That thought was short lived as I could now hear faint voice of Kripal too. “May be even he died of Tsunami or after failing in CA exams consecutively for fifth time, he too has given up and succumbed like me”, I continued thinking.

Suddenly few drops of water were sprinkled on my face. And I realized all my stories about my death were farce, it was my imagination which was flying without restricting itself in any boundaries and now that I could see both my special people communicating I closed my eyes again.

The background score was somewhat like this….

“No he is alive, I guess he had this vada pav, and developed Delhi Belly” said Kripal, taking the half left vada pav and showing it to Anushka.

“Ohkay, Thank God, do you know any doctor in neighborhood, please call”. Said Anushka, and no she was not nervous but worried.

“Okay I will go, but that might take some time, in the mean time why don’t you give him some liquid” suggested Kripal.

I could not hear any reply; I guess she would have nodded.

Few moments later I was being fed with liquid, my head was in Anushka’s lap, and she casually stroked my head and caressed my hair. I do not know whether she or the fluid (she was feeding me with spoon) had some magical impact and I had the stamina to open my eyes. She was again looking angelic; it was bliss to look at her. However all my romantic emotions came to standstill as soon as she spoke.

“What is this Adithya, you are grown up enough to take care of yourself and you rascal you never told me that your result was coming today”, she scolded like my mother.

I had the stamina to open eyes but not enough to reply I just smiled.Later came the doctor and I was given bed rest for next five days.

I did not tell this to my parents otherwise I would have been airlifted to Delhi forever but I was not yet ready to give up. For the next five days I kept on contemplating about myself and my studies. Anuskha came in the morning before Kripal left and Kripal took my care in the evening and through the night. And though they were not best of pals but still they compromised for my sake.

“Why have you taken leave from your office” I asked Anushka, while I was eating the Apple which I was forcefully fed by her.

“I am working on a story Adithya, I wanted peace, I thought I should take a leave, and as you know peace at my place is not possible I thought I could come here and work with peace. I hope that is okay with you” said Anushka.

This was not an answer I was looking for. She could not hurt me but her tongue did pierce my heart. I guess we were just friends, not even once she looked at me with eyes overflowing with love, and I was this love sick puppy. I could actually feel the pain; it hurts where the heart is, it literally does. With Shruti I could get over the pain by thinking about her behavior for me but here was Anushka who was taking my care and adhering to my needs yet hurting me more than anyone ever did. I was rendered speechless by her answer and I slept thinking about us.

After taking a nap when I woke up I saw Anushka talking to someone on phone, all I could gather from the conversation was that Anushka was working on night shift those days and spent her days looking after me, the hurt was all gone I was excited and love was all over again. It is so strange our perspective about love changes so much and so soon, but then again doubt crept in.

“It is quite possible that she is doing this for me as a friend, but then why would she tell a lie” I kept on asking this question to myself over and over again without getting any reply. While I was thinking about I saw Anushka slept on the couch near the window. She looked harmless while sleeping, the wind blowing past her face was kissing her and she looked radiant as ever. I almost cursed myself of letting her go like that, only because of a stupid argument where although I was not at fault still that silly argument cost me heavily. She was not into deep slumber; she got up and saw me observing her, she sat their motionless allowing me to take my eyes off her.

I got up from the bed, she was still motionless, I went straight down to her knees without giving her much escape route, I was too close to her and could almost feel her breath, I said “Anushka, I do not know what do you feel for me, but I have to tell you what I feel for you. I do not expect a reply from you but I expect a hearing from you, my situation is really bad these days, I have just flunked my CA exams and I feel like a loser right now but still I have the nerve to tell you that despite of all the arguments we had, I still respect your view point, we may not agree but we can agree to disagree, okay?”

She just nodded looking to me more confused and a bit fearful. And there was I, speaking with great guts some rubbish stuff about the arguments.

“I have to tell you, that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life, when you smile I think I am surrounded by spring, when your eyes are moist, dark clouds hover me, your voice is like chimes always tinkling and bringing good luck to me. You have an enigmatic aura; your smell makes me feel hypnotized. When I hold you I do not want to leave you even for a second, the warmth that you fill in my heart is sufficient to hold me even on a winter’s night. When I do not get a message from you in the morning, I get terrified that you might be angry with me over some stupidity of mine and when you take time in replying to my message at night I fear that I have lost you to someone, and this is not because I do not trust you but it is so because I know any person in the world would die to be with you and that I would lose you to someone. My insecurity is not because of mistrust but due to my bad luck, I never got I wanted and hence I am scared that you too would leave me. I love you and I would actually die if you leave me.” I said that, I still can’t believe I said that.

Then there was a silence and she was about to open her mouth and may be to contradict a point but I did not waste a single second to kiss her. Sorry to disappoint but the kiss remained a kiss and did not lead to anywhere. She held my face with her ivory colored palms and said “ Adithya I trust every word of what you said but I am not sure of my feelings for you, I simply cannot understand it.”

I asked in a very disappointed tone “So is it a no”?

“No, it is not a no” she replied, I was almost jumping but then she said “It is not a yes either” she said while trying to get up from the couch and giving a smirk, the meaning of which remains unknown to me.

“But Adithya, all things apart, why do you feel you are unlucky, I mean you have such an understanding parents, your sister, your friends and what more do you need, regarding your result do not over react, you can give them again, it is not a dead end, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have to take a stock of your situation and work hard, stop blaming your luck, there are others who are not as fortunate as you are. If you do not get anything which you wanted it has happened for your good, God does not have time to waste after you.” She said almost sounding like some agent of God.

“And now I leave for the office”. She said while combing her hair.

“Do not leave; it hardly matters, at night shift there is virtually no news for you, no breaking or flash news stuff comes up”, I said trying to coax her to spend the evening with me. But she was a professional.

“Okay When will I get the reply”, I again asked her.

“You never know, may be before I die”. She said and left.

She was right, I had to redeem myself, my whole life was wasted in blaming God, criticizing others yet I never tried improving myself. It was high time that I had to work on myself, my attitude. Success is a journey not a destination and in the journey each failure teach us something and this failure taught me that “you have to get up each time you fall and the early you get up better would be your chances to overcome others”.

Later at night, just before sleeping I switched on the television. It was 10 p.m and I was glued to the match, India won the match against England. I wanted to see the highlight so tuned into news channel. It had a breaking news at 10, “funny” I thought trying to remember the conversation I had with Anushka, “May be it would be about team India’s victory”, but sadly it wasn’t.

Every channel said only one thing. ‘Breaking News’.

Pass and Aggregate Chapter 18: On a downward Spiral

Chapter 18: On a Downward Spiral

Over with the audit in Ahmedabad I was back at my office and finally was given leave to prepare for my exams. I thought three months were adequate and all my practical training was sufficient enough to cope with the strenuous examinations, which according to many are the toughest examinations of the world. I don’t know the level of difficulty for CA examination Vis- a-Vis other exams yet to tell you the truth they are indeed strenuous and tiring and backbreaking and arduous. I can go on for hours describing the difficulty but I know not many people can understand it.

The happiness of three months scaled down and I had to face the severity of the exams and now that I stood so close to it my level of anxiety towards a brighter future increased. I joined coaching classes trying to complete the syllabus which was unending. The readers might be thinking about my insincerity towards studies but frankly speaking I have never seen any person who can boast about the course completion before exams not even in a jest. My interaction with my family was low and with Anushka it was even lower. I sulked and I sulked enough to irritate her, at times I did not reply her messages and at times I used to call her at the oddest times and her unavailability at those times led to sulkier moods. I now realize I was quite unreasonable with her, but thankfully she was a patient and even during those times she would not utter an unkind word to me. I had nothing on my mind except exams, coaching classes, study material and such uninteresting stuff. I looked like Devdas before exams and everybody thought I was aiming for the top rank.

During the breaks from studies I conceived many funny thoughts and would share one with you too. I hope no one gets offended but I tried to comprehend similarity between girls and my subjects in CA exams, it is just an assessment and it is meant only for the sake of light banter and is certainly not intended to upset the sensibilities(or the lack of it) of the fairer sex. And mind you this description or imagination may differ from person to person. I believe this intense study on my part would enable guys to make an informed choice, and you can call it ‘A CA guide to know your girl type’.

The type of girls as per CA Syllabus can be classified as

1. Accounting a boring, serious type, over demanding subject (girl) that would take your hours but the output of the conversation with such girls or such subject is lesser than the input. When a considerable time is being spent on such girls’ aka subject you would realize that your approach towards them was not correct from the beginning. Like the subject of accounting, there are girls whose ultimate aim is to balance the equation, they would respond you in terms you have approached them and not a penny more or less. I would recommend such girls to really boring and uninteresting fellows, and if any other kind of guy picks such girl she would transform him into a dull and boring person.

2. The second type of girl, Financial Management types are often most hard to get and if you get them you would be considered as lucky fellow. Like the subject where you sweat it out and get mastery, such type of girl would love you back if you made enough efforts to woo her. Hot and sexy, difficult to handle but perfection leads to real love. And Yes I would put Anushka into such bracket.

3.I would pity you if you ever fall in for the Audit types, like the subject, the girl would keep on asking you questions, would be paranoid about you and would ask you to express your love more often , she might suffocate you to death.

4.Then there is the ‘law’ types, which is mysterious dynamic unpredictable, you love such kind of girls and such subjects in spite of their queerness or there freaky ways. They might leave the conversation in between leaving you baffled and puzzled. But at the end of the day you are refreshed with their company.

I do not know whether the observation which I have made are right or they need some modifications yet I would like to believe that any reader would not pronounce me as completely wrong. And one thing for sure if you are a guy you cannot take few things out of your mind, girls being one of them (Pardon me if I sound as a ‘Sexist’, it was not intended).

Coming back to my studies and exams, finally ten days were left before the exams and by this time I was over exhausted with the studies, I sort of burnt myself and now I faced a performance pressure, I thought my mind blanked and all that was read was forgotten. An examination preparation is like the graph of Marginal Utilities, with the passage of time the additional amount of hours put in would not result into additional learning.

That day I chatted with Anushka, though she was reluctant to talk to me because of the exams yet she relented under pressure. I was quiet on the phone, she said soothing words to encourage me yet those words could not calm down the anxiety that I had. I said her thanks but returned to my bed unsatisfied and broke.

I was almost on the verge of giving up when all of a sudden the bell rang, to my surprise, my mother was standing outside the door, seeing her at this moment I could not control myself and started crying.

“Adithya, behave”! Mother said, while she was trying to calm me down.

Mothers like God know everything about their kids; she was with me just at the time when I needed her. Even after growing up when we think we feel vulnerable, the presence of your mother can make you feel secure. I was once again beaming with positive thoughts and life. Thank God he created clones of himself and sent them down for us.

She knew I was a stressed with my sullen voice over the phone two days ago she thought I was depressed and hence she could not control herself without coming to Bombay. A mother can listen to what a child wants to say even if it is not communicated with words.

With her presence the atmosphere changed, she took my care and Kripal too was not left unshowered by her maternal instincts. I gave my exams in a hassle-free manner and high spirits, the exams were great and the day I finished my exams I was so happy, it was as if I had mounted the Everest at a go (Don’t take me wrong, I know the results were not but the amount of perspiration that goes in the preparation of the exams, one tends to think that way).

The day I finished my exams, mom left for Delhi, asking me to visit them soon and I thought I would surely do that in few days but I forgot that my articleship was still pending, and my boss made sure that ‘Dilli abhi door hai’. I had to join my office the very next day after the exams, it was inhuman on the part of our office to have such a rule, at least 2-3 days leave was necessary after such a gruesome schedule but no office has ever been considered as a ‘Missionary of Charity’, and mine was no different.

 Next few days were boring as ever but thankfully Anushka was now in Bombay, and she had joined the news channel. Her work with news Channel was tiring for her and frustrating for me. Tiring because she was now a busier soul between both of us and frustrating for me because I was degraded in her list of priorities. I was also sort of jealous as she was working under the super suave and handsome, intelligent editor.

We met rarely, we fought gravely, I was insecure about her but that happens when we love someone. At times I thought she was insensitive about my feelings, while she claimed that she either could not decipher my feelings or was just pulling my leg over some issue. All I remember that those were not the best of the times we were seeing as a couple.

“But wait, are we a couple, you see technically I have not proposed her.” I said, while I was discussing our (Me and Anuskha) latest duel with Kripal.

“Dude, are you kidding me, do you kiss without being a couple”, he said while giving me the queerest looks.

So now it was certified that we were a couple and as couples it was our duty to fight and then any one of could take the initiative and patch up. Although any one of us could have patched up but believe me there is nothing as inflated as a male ego and even being at fault I thought that she should call me. I would have said sorry had she called but she did not call and hence I never apologized. ‘Loss of Communication’, ‘Mis-Communication’, ‘No Communication’ can lead to death of relationship. Without knowing I lost one of the precious presents given to me by almighty. She just drifted away and I was not a man enough to hold her back.

“The results are out, and yes I cleared it, and that too at one go”, I wished I could have spoken those lines but those lines were spoken by some other person and I was the audience. Finally CA Final results were out and I was about to check my result. ‘9’ ‘1’ ‘1’ ‘3’ ‘2’. As I typed in the roll number, my heart skipped a beat. I looked above to say a final prayer to God and then I looked at the screen. I was frozen and stood their unmoving, even to this day  that was the worst night mare of my life, it was like macabre dance of misfortune that was being played in front of my eyes. This was not the first time that I failed in my CA exams, I knew how it worked but the problem was the marks, the score card made me realized that it was mere hard luck that led to the debacle.

My score card read Group I 216/400 and Group II 199/400, I failed in Group I because of a single subject and now I had to appear in all the subjects. In the Group II I passed all the subjects but was again 1 mark short of reaching the aggregate passing number ‘50’. So the criteria off ‘Pass’ and ‘Aggregate’ virtually robbed me of my dreams.

I know I was never a lucky person; I never was an extraordinary individual but I always dreamt big, my ambitions were never small and this day I cursed myself. I never got what I wanted but I always stood strong thinking that times would change and would change for better but that day was different I was not ready to accept it. I left the office early and did not attend the party of the person who cleared the exams, I was too jealous to be there. I came to my room and cried for the longest time, I was at a downward spiral. Telling my parents about it was even more difficult, although they said nothing but I could hear the unsaid things too. Broken dreams are hurtful more than anything; I never was able to withstand the expectations of my parents. I sat their motionless and then I thought maybe I should not live, may be a life which is full of failure be it personally or professionally has no right to continue, it should cease to go on and…………I.

Pass and Aggregate : Chapter 17 Balancing Act

Chapter 17: Balancing Act

Prayers being listened by God and I being drenched by the eternal flow of love, was an experience which cannot be narrated by mere words. There are certain surreal feelings which cannot be explained or talked about, passion being one of them. We were getting close yet we were far, there was still space of few silences between us. Many of you might be wondering what would have happened post the ‘Chivalric Kiss’, yes the kiss was one of the blunders that I committed. I being not so sure of her reaction kissed her on the forehead, just trying to play safe, but when the next occasion of kissing her came she offered her forehead again and that was preposterous according to me. An act of chivalry but leading to the path of the grave was uncalled for. Instead of being rewarded for my demeanor, I was being punished. Do not judge me as some kind of lecherous fellow who was interested in a kiss but I just thought that she did not trust me with a sweet kiss how would she trust me with her life and that was hurtful. I knew we had our boundaries and the family culture, Indian ethos but still it was a matter of her conviction and confidence in me which I thought was far from being complete.

I thought of talking to her on those lines but either she was not getting my point or she was acting of not getting my point, she just gave me a smile, the meaning of which could not be deciphered, she always left her sentences incomplete while speaking on the subject and I kept on wondering like a student in the examination hall “What went wrong this time?”  Girls are indeed complicated; you can never know what is cooking in their mind. At times when I thought I made a witty remark even the slight smirk on her face took away the glory of my sarcasm and when I thought she was making fun of me she was actually trying to pamper me with her tender words.  

The stint in Ahmedabad was good at a personal level; it was a sort of awakening of me. True love can often have a liberating influence on one self and I too felt liberated. We met daily and any day when we could not meet appeared to be longer than usual. The city of Ahmedabad to me was like City of love, Paris. We used to go to the parks, the lakes, the malls and the cafés; everything was so far so good except a tension was playing all along on my mind and that were my exams which were too close. Although I tried studying but work and my love affair kept me busy and whatever little time I could take out from it was spent in teaching my sister, who was already upset about the number of hours I was spending with Anushka.

“I am going to tell mom, that you are not studying and you are simply wasting your time and energy and money on Anushka” said Akshayaa teasing me.

Time and energy was not wasted, time was invested and energy was rechanneled, money I don’t think was much to be argued upon as we always shared the bill, so why was my darling sister so spiteful towards my girl.

“Dare you say a word about her, I swear even I have quite a few material in your respect which I would not mind sharing with Mom” I said in a rhetoric tone, trying to remind of her boyfriend on the campus.

Akshyaa was baffled for a second; she never thought I could be so venomous; I behaved like a little kid who was out there to protect his toys. Even I never thought I could be so possessive about Anushka.

“Aditya, you are so dead, I will never forgive you all I wanted to tell you was that you should study, only four months are left before you give your exams” Akshyaa said, sounding very harsh.

She was right, and this comment made me more nervous than ever. I had to think of my career. After all ‘Romance is the privilege of rich not the profession of unemployed’. I had to now take my career seriously over other things; I had to do a balancing act. In life we all should strive to attain a balance, since a situation of extremes is neither suitable nor desirable. I had no idea how would I do it but I had to do it.

 The next time when I met Anushka I told her about the meeting that transpired between me and Akshyaa. I thought she would be angry but surprisingly she was calm, composed and said “Aditya, I can understand the anxiety of your sister and whatever she says is true, so as a solution now we will meet twice a week rather than on daily basis”.

I could not utter any word that day, because I wanted to be with Anushka but my studies were also on priority list. I simply nodded to her suggestion. After that day we met rarely although we agreed meeting twice a week but the meetings became few. I was lost in work and studies; I had huge books, voluminous data to study, to comprehend and to grasp. I even took a coaching at the insistence of Jignesh which was helpful.

I was confused about my relationship status, on certain occasions I felt Anushka was avoiding me and at times I felt everything was normal, we chatted on Facebook but more often we disagreed and fought for no sane reasons, and all the time was spent on fighting and than making up.

Once, while chatting on Facebook she revealed to me.

“Do you know Aditya, you resemble to a very handsome looking journalist on a News Channel, and when I saw you I could almost connect to him…”

And before she could complete her sentence I was surrounded by the green eyed monster, I was so jealous, I mean she was trying to tell me that she liked me because I resembled a spectacled, over the top, shouting and excited news anchor. I despised this anchor so much; he was so authoritarian and never allowed his guests to speak but to my sweet heart he was the most dashing, quick witted humorous and nationalistic figure, she never chatted during his show. To counter her I showed my penchant for movie actresses or even Shruti but she never showed her covetous side. I still do not know whether she was actually above the vices and sins of envy and jealousy or she kept those feelings to herself to irritate me even further.

I being a man and men being rational fools kept on analyzing her behavior towards me which oscillated between ‘I am her good friend’ to ‘I am her special friend’ and when I dared to ask her to define my position in her life she started crying which though was not intended but she being a woman and women being sentimental fools tears were sure to follow.

My relationship of almost three months had to face another onslaught in near future and that was long distance. The audit ended and I had to report back to Mumbai. Anuskha had three more months before she returns to Mumbai after her internship with a News Paper in Ahmedabad.

I was meeting her for the last time before I appear for my exams; we met at Drive-in, the open air Cinema. When I broke the news of going back to Anushka she had tear in her eyes, and pardon me but those tears somehow were exhilarating to me, though I was not driving any sadistic pleasure but at least they symbolized her affection for me.

“Do study, and please do not take any tension, you will definitely come out with flying colors’”, She said.

I just nodded, last three months flew by so soon, I thought. So much has changed, it seemed like a fairy fiery tale full of its ups and down, twists and turns but still it was worth every bit of it. I had balanced the relationship well along with work and my studies and I was proud of it, Anushka was equally supportive and I patted myself on back for having selected her.

Just few minutes before the movie ended, she took me by hand. I was surprised because she never had been a domineering person and before I could even comprehend what was happening I ultimately received my farewell gift. It was good while it lasted, even later if I may say so. Without going into the details I would just reveal the curse of ‘Chivalric Kiss’ was over.