Pass and Aggregate :Chapter 22: Now or Never

                                                          Chapter 22: Now or Never

“Again” is the first word in the dictionary of a CA student. Going through the unending process of exam- results- exam, the whole process was extremely painful, and at times disappointing, after having tried all permutations of choice of books and coaching classes and notes and endless waits between exams, results and anxiety, the level of frustration was higher than ever. I felt like going back to Delhi, but it is never easy to accept the defeat. Had my life been the same normal, Anushka sticking around and supporting me and pampering me and caring for me even after a bad result I might have not bothered much about the whole issue but she was not there with me. I was very much alone and now the same Mumbai where I thought my life is happening just happened to be a night mare. But it is a human tendency to discover oneself in the times of adversity and for once I thank Anushka for having left me heartbroken and uncared and unloved, I discovered myself again.

Love like sweets are at times harmful for growth and I was now diabetic in love, God saved me from the attitude of once again and I was determined and vengeful towards my subjects and I worked hard to conquer them. It became an obsession. I did not want to leave any stone unturned this time and I had in my mind undertaken that it would be now or never. I had my duties towards

I started off my day quite early in the morning, it used to be still dark in Mumbai, but that did not interfered with my routine. My books were better than any girl. They had no expectations but were ready to give everything they had. I realized for the first time how much I loved my books. I could not take my eyes off them and read them thoroughly. I thought it was an infatuation and would be soon over however I realized that my love for them was increasing and towards the exam days I was totally engrossed in it. I was soaked in them to the core and they did not betray. All my exams went pretty well and for the first time I was convinced what I wrote. Anushka was still somewhere in the memory but she started fading away.

Meanwhile Akshya was on the verge of completing her MBA, she had a pre placement offer of ********* (no I won’t disclose), I won’t be making that much( at least I thought so ) hence no need of disclosures but she was my sister and would have been my first client so I was very happy to know the vulgar amount that she would be charging sitting in her posh Gurgaon office. But my happiness was even more because she had found someone of her choice. Although she said she was confused about him but I knew that this Guy, (Abhishek) is going to be the Mr. Right for her. She had her reservation as he was a north Indian and it would take some time for mom to adjust to the concept of “2 States”, as Chetan Bhagat had created.  But I guess my parents dealt with it in a far more understanding manner. Dad just said one thing, stick on to this relationship for one year and then decide and it went perfectly well with couple. They were much in love and agreed to it unquestioningly.

In between it was my D day again, the result was expected and I just became more nervous than ever. The feeling of heart just jumping around and brain throbbing simultaneously is not one of the best feelings. It was as if I was taking a roller coaster ride without belts to protect you from falling. I was experiencing blackouts, momentarily I had some pain in my chest, I thought I might just die of anxiety and panic. My throat was in constant need of water and I gulped almost 3-4 litres to satisfy the thirst.

I was on the net and I fairly arranged my surrounding, praying Lord Karthik and other crores of God to just help me. It was a now or never for me and with each passing second I could not control . Tears had started coming off already, and yes even though I am a guy I cry and I am proud of it.

The result was announce, I entered my roll number and waited , the page was uploaded and I would in that very moment have exploded with the maount of tensions in side me. I had given my best and I was just there numb and sweaty and no palpable audacity surrounded me.

The uploading process took some time and I froze , I could not believe that I cleared it. I will not go in the miiscule details of the marks and all but all I could gather from it was I was a CA. the dream of being CA. V Adithya Iyer was finally achieved. The attitude of “now or never” paid off well.

My mother could not believe it, she was crying more than me and Akshya was all excited and dad was at peace. I was now a CA.

Pass & Aggegate: Chapter 21: Matters of Heart

Chapter 21: Matters of Heart

‘Roses or Lilies’ what should I take for Anushka, I thought, I was meeting her after a long time. Life after 26/11 brought us really close, I kept on thinking we won’t fight ever but that was just not possible when two people in the relationship are just so independent of their opinion and  I was really harsh on her when she just gave a piece of advice to study. She was my girl friend, she had every right to guide me but somehow when any one gave me this sermon on the importance of studying I used to get agitated. I was already working hard but the issue of passing in all subjects but then failing to make it in aggregate by few marks kept on hammering in my mind. I really shouted on her and she just walked away without fighting. I was all my fault and I knew I had to make up but I was unsure about which flowers to take, so  I took a bunch of artificial flowers, I thought this could be nice, they won’t ever die as our love which would live eternally.  

I tried calling her but she was not picking my number, since many days she had avoided me but even I was busy so I just brushed that aside, I knew all is that I have to say sorry and she will understand. But in life we take people for granted and that is what happened, I realized that day I had committed the biggest mistake of my life and I was conveniently ignoring to address it sometimes on the pretext of work and sometimes on pretext of studies. I went to her office waited for her to come down and talk to her then. She came down looking stunning as usual; she saw me and just passed by. I ran after her trying to plead but obviously she won’t listen. Finally she stopped and I said sorry, she curtly replied “its ok” but the expressions in her eyes were stony; she was cold and ice cold. A sense of tension got inside me; I pressed the panic button now. I asked her to speak at least; she just showed the ring on her finger, engagement ring.

My world has collapsed many times but this time it was one of the most severe crashing, I could not believe what I was seeing, my throat choked, now the words were not coming to my mouth, She just removed my hand from her shoulder and said “ I am sorry you were late, really late”.

She got engaged to some green card holder, Ketan, who lived in Boston and earned greenbacks, who was a Gujarati like Anushka and would have liked Dhokla and Undhiyon like her.

Actually there are only two aims of a Gujarati’s life, first is to settle down in America and the second is to settle down in America. She finally achieved her ultimate aim. She took me to Café Coffe Day, I was just staring at her, I mean I could just see her and hear her but I could not understand her.

“Adithya, I am really sorry, I tried thinking about our future but I don’t think it could work, I mean you are not yet settled and I have this pressure on settling down, I could not stand the pressure any more”.

This was true,  how could I go to her father and introduce myself, forget her father How would I go to my father and tell him that I want to settle down with this gir, with meager stipend that I was earning I could do nothing more than buying artificial flowers for the girl I loved. But I failed to understand how could she not stand the pressure of her family, she could very well manage them but I guess she did had no intentions. Our last few meetings and silences, our fights had made her realize that I was not the one but she never let me know this, I was so sad at suddenly being treated as an outsider in life. I could no longer listen to her excuses where she blamed me and I blamed my luck of not becoming a CA. I realized that she had lost all hopes on me after I flunked in May exam also and that was the turning point of my romance. I realized that there is nothing in this world called love there are only conveniences, as long as one person is convenient for the other to romance one can call it love the moment the relationship starts causing inconvenience it just becomes a burden, which is too much too handle. She justified her stance I just said “ You should have told me about your engagement earlier, I would have stopped bothering you than, you kept on ignoring me and I just thought that you were angry on me but you were completing your life and keeping me in dark, that was unethical but wish you good luck in your life, and I hope you won’t mind paying the bill, for you see I am still not a CA, I still don’t earn”. She sat there and maybe I saw a thing called guilt in her eyes but there was no love, had there be some love instead of guilt I would have stayed back and won her, woo her but I knew I was just not that perfect person to fit in her changed landscape of life, I was now just an acquaintance or not even that. Matters of Heart are really complicated, they give u a sudden high when you are absorbed in it and they suddenly bring you down to reality.

The concept of love is so very out dated and I realised I was still living in this old world charm, which was bound to be shattered and it did, My heart had been broken not once but twice and now it did not hurt that much, pain was replaced by indifference I just become a bit solitary not for I had no love because now I had no trust.

That day I came back home, no I did not cried, just brought my books out of the shelf and started studying again.