Chapter 21: Matters of Heart
‘Roses or Lilies’ what should I take for Anushka, I thought, I
was meeting her after a long time. Life after 26/11 brought us really close, I
kept on thinking we won’t fight ever but that was just not possible when two
people in the relationship are just so independent of their opinion and I was really harsh on her when she just gave
a piece of advice to study. She was my girl friend, she had every right to
guide me but somehow when any one gave me this sermon on the importance of
studying I used to get agitated. I was already working hard but the issue of
passing in all subjects but then failing to make it in aggregate by few marks
kept on hammering in my mind. I really shouted on her and she just walked away
without fighting. I was all my fault and I knew I had to make up but I was
unsure about which flowers to take, so I
took a bunch of artificial flowers, I thought this could be nice, they won’t
ever die as our love which would live eternally.
I tried calling her but she was not picking my number, since many days she had
avoided me but even I was busy so I just brushed that aside, I knew all is that
I have to say sorry and she will understand. But in life we take people for
granted and that is what happened, I realized that day I had committed the
biggest mistake of my life and I was conveniently ignoring to address it
sometimes on the pretext of work and sometimes on pretext of studies. I went to
her office waited for her to come down and talk to her then. She came down
looking stunning as usual; she saw me and just passed by. I ran after her
trying to plead but obviously she won’t listen. Finally she stopped and I said
sorry, she curtly replied “its ok” but the expressions in her eyes were stony;
she was cold and ice cold. A sense of tension got inside me; I pressed the
panic button now. I asked her to speak at least; she just showed the ring on
her finger, engagement ring.
My world has collapsed many times but this time it was one
of the most severe crashing, I could not believe what I was seeing, my throat
choked, now the words were not coming to my mouth, She just removed my hand
from her shoulder and said “ I am sorry you were late, really late”.
She got engaged to some green card holder, Ketan, who lived in Boston and earned
greenbacks, who was a Gujarati like Anushka and would have liked Dhokla and Undhiyon
like her.
Actually there are only two aims of a Gujarati’s life, first
is to settle down in America and the second is to settle down in America. She
finally achieved her ultimate aim. She took me to Café Coffe Day, I was just
staring at her, I mean I could just see her and hear her but I could not
understand her.
“Adithya, I am really sorry, I tried thinking about our
future but I don’t think it could work, I mean you are not yet settled and I
have this pressure on settling down, I could not stand the pressure any more”.
This was true, how could I go to her
father and introduce myself, forget her father How would I go to my father and
tell him that I want to settle down with this gir, with meager stipend that I
was earning I could do nothing more than buying artificial flowers for the girl
I loved. But I failed to understand how could she not stand the pressure of her
family, she could very well manage them but I guess she did had no intentions.
Our last few meetings and silences, our fights had made her realize that I was
not the one but she never let me know this, I was so sad at suddenly being
treated as an outsider in life. I could no longer listen to her excuses where
she blamed me and I blamed my luck of not becoming a CA. I realized that she
had lost all hopes on me after I flunked in May exam also and that was the
turning point of my romance. I realized that there is nothing in this world
called love there are only conveniences, as long as one person is convenient
for the other to romance one can call it love the moment the relationship
starts causing inconvenience it just becomes a burden, which is too much too
handle. She justified her stance I just said “ You should have told me about
your engagement earlier, I would have stopped bothering you than, you kept on
ignoring me and I just thought that you were angry on me but you were
completing your life and keeping me in dark, that was unethical but wish you
good luck in your life, and I hope you won’t mind paying the bill, for you see
I am still not a CA, I still don’t earn”. She sat there and maybe I saw a thing
called guilt in her eyes but there was no love, had there be some love instead
of guilt I would have stayed back and won her, woo her but I knew I was just
not that perfect person to fit in her changed landscape of life, I was now just
an acquaintance or not even that. Matters of Heart are really complicated, they give u a sudden high when you are absorbed in it and they suddenly bring you down to reality.
The concept of love is so very out dated and I realised I was still living in this old world charm, which was bound to be shattered and it did, My heart had been broken not once but twice and now it did
not hurt that much, pain was replaced by indifference I just become a bit solitary not for I had no love because now I had no trust.
That day I came back home, no I did not cried, just brought my books out of the shelf and
started studying again.
