Pass & Aggregate Chapter 20:Every NIght has a Dawn

Chapter 20: Every Night has a Dawn

News television telecasted that there was some shoot out in Mumbai, I thought it would be some usual gang war stuff that does happen even in the broad day lights of the city, ‘Big deal’ I said to myself and took the remote while trying to navigate between channels but then I had a message, I prayed that it should be Anushka sending me a sweet romantic good night message which she sent during the happier times and which she had stopped sending off late. Okay I am to be blamed equally, because even I stopped sending messages to her, partly because of my never ending work and partly because I was jealous as she was working with her ex boyfriend even though I gave my dissenting opinion.

Anyhow the message was from Anushka, and it was something like this “Adithya, u r the most weird and irritating person I hv met, bt I like your weirdness, I never thought I would say this to u but I want to live my entire life with you, would pray to God that I die before you because I cannot imagine living without you, luv u.”

That message was what I needed to cheer me up, all my pain and exhaustion disappeared , I read the message over and over again, I could not believe my luck, although I would confess just for a nano second the thought of commitment suffocated me.

That was a natural progression on her part I thought and in some point in life even I want to get settled and if she is with me, my life would be a lot happier and contented after all, I love her and I cannot imagine life without her, I typed ‘What entire life?’ and before I could write any further, the worst thing happened, the message was sent.

These touch screen are the worst inventions of our times and while I was criticizing the mobile phone I could do nothing about the message being sent. I started imagining all the repercussions I could face if she thought about the message in another manner. I continued typing so that whole message reaches her before she could interpret it otherwise and kill me. I wrote “What entire life, I would spend all my next lives with you, I don’t know how to react but this night is the happiest night of my life, the thought of being with you brings a sense of fulfillment and contentment, luv u.” And I sent the message thinking, that she would be happy to receive the whole message.

But The Law of Murphy says that "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong" and it went wrong, the second message could not be delivered, I resent the message but the delivery failed and I sent it again, and again and again. So now I thought of calling her and the phone was not reachable.

My anxiety knew no bounds, I tried calling her again and again but then I thought maybe she was in the conference which she had to cover and hence had switched off the cell. To divert my attention, I started with Television once again. Few minutes into news channel and I knew something bad has happened.

I looked at the wall my clock cum calendar showed Time 11:00 pm and date was 26.November.2008.

“It is a massive terrorist attack in Mumbai”, said the news reporter and all I was thinking of Anushka, she had a night shift and had to go to cover a conference at Hotel Taj where the attack took place. My heart started sinking and hands started trembling even faster, while I was trying to call her on the cell phone. The phone was still not reachable. I tried again and again and again but the phone was not reachable.

The last conversation I had with Anushka started playing on my mind,

When I asked her few hours ago about the proposal “Okay when will I get the reply”, And she said “You never know, may be before I die”.

And then I thought of her last message, where she said she will pray to God that she dies before me because she won’t be able live without me. All her sentences were narratives of something bad happening.

I was aghast and devastated, cursing myself. I will not be able to live without her. I started praying to God, “You can’t be that cruel, please keep her safe” I said while keeping my hands folded in front of the Krishna idol. I was shrieking with fear and the most negative thoughts crossed my mind.  

“I have to go and find her at any cost I cannot stay here to await the news about her” I said in agitated manner to Kripal who was sleeping.

He woke from the sleep but could not comprehend what was I talking about and before he could even think, I just left the house. I took the keys of his bike. I started towards Gateway at once, without even realizing that the bike did not have enough petrol to sustain till my destination. It was late at night and although people say about Mumbai that it is the city which never sleeps yet the roads bore a semi deserted look, my bike was running short of fuel, I had to reach the petrol pump before it comes to a halt. I saw a petrol pump at a distance, my luck ran out because after reaching there I found that their stock of petrol finished and all the men there were glued to TV, I too got off and ran to saw the news update, the news were even more disturbing, many police officials had succumbed to the bullets of the terrorists, Mumbai was under siege but I was being very selfish for I thought of only her, whom I loved dearly and more than myself. She was my constant motivating factor, my journey from being a prude guy to being a gentleman (at least I thought that ways) was because of her, and she was one important factor in the process of my evolution, I was incomplete without her. I do not know why only a difficult circumstance is needed for us to realize our love, although I professed my love for her but now I was realizing my love. The mere thought of any harm to her left me agonized.  From the petrol pump I had to take another means of transport, and as the news of the attack spread no one was willing to go in that direction, I did not know what to do, so I started walking. I walked from Mumbai Central till I was near precincts of Taj. I saw the police who were barricading the whole area. I walked till the barricade, I had nothing in mind, “what would I say if they ask me why was I out at this time”, I questioned myself. But I kept walking. The constable asked me in chaste Marathi, although I could not understand much of what he said I just managed to tell him I had someone who is trapped in the Hotel, he just sympathized with me but he could not allow me inside the barricades. I sat there unmoved, completely tired by the long walk, it was the longest walk of my life but the goal was far.  Then suddenly I saw a commotion, the constable told me that terrorists had set fire to The Taj, my anxiety increased further and now tears started flowing from my eyes, the constable could sense my trouble, he kept on assuring me but no amount of words could keep me comforted.

My world was collapsing  with every passing second, I felt all my hopes of finding her alive were ending, I stood up with a resolute to break barrier and get inside and then I heard a familiar voice that came from behind “Adithya, what are you doing here?” I could not believe it was Anushka. She looked even prettier in her dust laden face. For next few seconds the world around me froze, only I could see her coming towards me, the globe was mute but I could hear only her.  She sounded agitated and excited at the same time. As soon as she came near I just felt weak and the nearer she came the weaker I felt. I fell in her arms and could just say “I love you”. I heard her saying “I love you too”. My night was over and a new dawn rose”.

Pass and Aggregate Chapter 19 : Redeeming Myself

                          Chapter 19: Redeeming Myself

“I am not able to reach Adithya, is he with you”? Asked Kripal.

“No he is not with me.” Replied Anushka.

I would like to give a disclaimer that I do not know what exact conversation would have transpired between them but I am just trying to guess as they were talking about me and I know them well.

And although Anushka had drifted apart but for all the practical reasons we were a couple. We were in ‘on and off relationship’, talking was rare; meeting was rarer, holding hands was exceptional and kisses extinct. But we did go out with each other especially when we had a group of friends who were   dating and we did not wanted to be left alone and hated each other even more. We just exchanged a good morning and a good night message daily. Earlier the messages had lot of hugs and kisses and other love filled accessories in a verbose but later it got reduced to a formal and dry “GNSDTC”, which I would read as last nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Coming back to the nature of conversation held between my best friend and my girl friend, although I would say they never hated or despised each other but both of them felt that I am not fit to be with the other person. They were not fond of each other to be more precise.

One’s best friend cannot have much regard for One’s girlfriend and vice versa. And for this reason I have derived a premise and that is ‘if your girlfriend hates your friend and the feelings are mutual then it is a normal situation else the situation could be alarming’. I mean both these characters of any one’s life if they share a healthy relationship either could be siblings or chances of which are more could be potential lovers.

When I told Kripal about Anushka he was of the opinion that she was chirpy and was not too serious about me and for her I was just a casual fling who could get her rid of her boredom and monotonous life. (Friends are the sweetest gift of God to mankind; fact was that Anushka helped me to get rid over my boredom and monotonous life). But I never lobbied for ‘Cause Anushka’ and her feelings in front of Kripal, for if I did that, I would have been termed as a traitor and would have been banished from my circle of friends. And you all know ‘Har friend Zarrori hota hai’

And when I introduced Anushka to Kripal on a casual coffee meet, she never said anything but I could read in her eyes, her eyes said “Is he your friend!”  The sentence has an exclamation mark and you are free to interpret it, negative interpretation would be more appropriate considering the look on her face.

Returning to their assumed conversation

“I thought he would be with you, he was quite upset after the result.” Kripal said.

“What his result came out, what happened”, she asked.

“He had ………………………criteria off ‘Pass and Aggregate’, said Kripal retelling the whole horror story.

“What?  I can’t get you he passed yet he failed! Cut the crap where is he?” she questioned him.

“I have no clue, he is not at the house as no one is picking up the landline, and even Kaka is not at home so I have no idea, I therefore called you”. Kripal said.

“Okay. I think we should rush to your house, he won’t go anywhere and I am scared that he doesn’t take any drastic step.” She said almost sounding nervous. (It is my imagination so she has to sound nervous for me).

“Theek hai, reach there ASAP, I am reaching too”.

“ TRINGgggggggggggggggggggg”

“Triiinnnggggggggggggggggggggg”

I could hear the door bell but I had no energy to open the door. After getting severely depressed I came home and as Kaka was on a holiday I just ordered few Vada Pav from ‘Shri Janta Vada Pav Shenter’ (I know how to spell center but I just wanted to share the spelling written at the hoarding.)

And after eating the spice laden fare I developed nausea and kept on vomiting till I became unconscious. My unconsciousness was broken slightly by the door bell but I thought I it would be a battle to get up and I readily lost it.

After the bell, I could hear someone banging my door and then I could hear Anushka, here I thought I am dead, for how could Anushka come to my house and especially after the last episode where both of us almost came on the verge of explicitly splitting up but could not complete the conversation for some reason. May be that was her fault and though I was far mature to handle jealousies still the topic of her ex boyfriend was not needed that day. Or maybe it was my fault I just over reacted.

Some would manifest death as end of all sufferings but I thought that I was developing fever and feeling nausea and suffering from dizziness  all at once. I thought of all the good times I had seen in life, I wanted to meet my Amma and Appa, Akshyaa, my relatives and extended relatives, all my friends and cousins and my ex girlfriend and my soon to be ex girlfriend before I depart. I also had to write my will but I had nothing to offer except a huge pile of CA books, which would be useless for the next exams too. My life was in front of my eyes, I thought it was none the less an honorable life and thanked God for it and closed my eyes so that I could be lifted in His arms. And there I laid, waiting for my Final Judgment. 

“What has happened to him, he tried committing suicide”? There came a voice, which I guess belonged to the God, and yes I finally discovered that God is a woman because that was a girl’s voice.

I was happy thinking my boyish charms might lead the Goddess to decide in my favor, sending me to heaven instead of hell. But I guess I was wrong, I was going neither to hell nor to heaven.

I could smell Anushka, “Is she dead too, did Mumbai had a tsunami and all of us died, Anushka too died, and finally we will live happily ever after in  heaven” I thought. That thought was short lived as I could now hear faint voice of Kripal too. “May be even he died of Tsunami or after failing in CA exams consecutively for fifth time, he too has given up and succumbed like me”, I continued thinking.

Suddenly few drops of water were sprinkled on my face. And I realized all my stories about my death were farce, it was my imagination which was flying without restricting itself in any boundaries and now that I could see both my special people communicating I closed my eyes again.

The background score was somewhat like this….

“No he is alive, I guess he had this vada pav, and developed Delhi Belly” said Kripal, taking the half left vada pav and showing it to Anushka.

“Ohkay, Thank God, do you know any doctor in neighborhood, please call”. Said Anushka, and no she was not nervous but worried.

“Okay I will go, but that might take some time, in the mean time why don’t you give him some liquid” suggested Kripal.

I could not hear any reply; I guess she would have nodded.

Few moments later I was being fed with liquid, my head was in Anushka’s lap, and she casually stroked my head and caressed my hair. I do not know whether she or the fluid (she was feeding me with spoon) had some magical impact and I had the stamina to open my eyes. She was again looking angelic; it was bliss to look at her. However all my romantic emotions came to standstill as soon as she spoke.

“What is this Adithya, you are grown up enough to take care of yourself and you rascal you never told me that your result was coming today”, she scolded like my mother.

I had the stamina to open eyes but not enough to reply I just smiled.Later came the doctor and I was given bed rest for next five days.

I did not tell this to my parents otherwise I would have been airlifted to Delhi forever but I was not yet ready to give up. For the next five days I kept on contemplating about myself and my studies. Anuskha came in the morning before Kripal left and Kripal took my care in the evening and through the night. And though they were not best of pals but still they compromised for my sake.

“Why have you taken leave from your office” I asked Anushka, while I was eating the Apple which I was forcefully fed by her.

“I am working on a story Adithya, I wanted peace, I thought I should take a leave, and as you know peace at my place is not possible I thought I could come here and work with peace. I hope that is okay with you” said Anushka.

This was not an answer I was looking for. She could not hurt me but her tongue did pierce my heart. I guess we were just friends, not even once she looked at me with eyes overflowing with love, and I was this love sick puppy. I could actually feel the pain; it hurts where the heart is, it literally does. With Shruti I could get over the pain by thinking about her behavior for me but here was Anushka who was taking my care and adhering to my needs yet hurting me more than anyone ever did. I was rendered speechless by her answer and I slept thinking about us.

After taking a nap when I woke up I saw Anushka talking to someone on phone, all I could gather from the conversation was that Anushka was working on night shift those days and spent her days looking after me, the hurt was all gone I was excited and love was all over again. It is so strange our perspective about love changes so much and so soon, but then again doubt crept in.

“It is quite possible that she is doing this for me as a friend, but then why would she tell a lie” I kept on asking this question to myself over and over again without getting any reply. While I was thinking about I saw Anushka slept on the couch near the window. She looked harmless while sleeping, the wind blowing past her face was kissing her and she looked radiant as ever. I almost cursed myself of letting her go like that, only because of a stupid argument where although I was not at fault still that silly argument cost me heavily. She was not into deep slumber; she got up and saw me observing her, she sat their motionless allowing me to take my eyes off her.

I got up from the bed, she was still motionless, I went straight down to her knees without giving her much escape route, I was too close to her and could almost feel her breath, I said “Anushka, I do not know what do you feel for me, but I have to tell you what I feel for you. I do not expect a reply from you but I expect a hearing from you, my situation is really bad these days, I have just flunked my CA exams and I feel like a loser right now but still I have the nerve to tell you that despite of all the arguments we had, I still respect your view point, we may not agree but we can agree to disagree, okay?”

She just nodded looking to me more confused and a bit fearful. And there was I, speaking with great guts some rubbish stuff about the arguments.

“I have to tell you, that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life, when you smile I think I am surrounded by spring, when your eyes are moist, dark clouds hover me, your voice is like chimes always tinkling and bringing good luck to me. You have an enigmatic aura; your smell makes me feel hypnotized. When I hold you I do not want to leave you even for a second, the warmth that you fill in my heart is sufficient to hold me even on a winter’s night. When I do not get a message from you in the morning, I get terrified that you might be angry with me over some stupidity of mine and when you take time in replying to my message at night I fear that I have lost you to someone, and this is not because I do not trust you but it is so because I know any person in the world would die to be with you and that I would lose you to someone. My insecurity is not because of mistrust but due to my bad luck, I never got I wanted and hence I am scared that you too would leave me. I love you and I would actually die if you leave me.” I said that, I still can’t believe I said that.

Then there was a silence and she was about to open her mouth and may be to contradict a point but I did not waste a single second to kiss her. Sorry to disappoint but the kiss remained a kiss and did not lead to anywhere. She held my face with her ivory colored palms and said “ Adithya I trust every word of what you said but I am not sure of my feelings for you, I simply cannot understand it.”

I asked in a very disappointed tone “So is it a no”?

“No, it is not a no” she replied, I was almost jumping but then she said “It is not a yes either” she said while trying to get up from the couch and giving a smirk, the meaning of which remains unknown to me.

“But Adithya, all things apart, why do you feel you are unlucky, I mean you have such an understanding parents, your sister, your friends and what more do you need, regarding your result do not over react, you can give them again, it is not a dead end, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have to take a stock of your situation and work hard, stop blaming your luck, there are others who are not as fortunate as you are. If you do not get anything which you wanted it has happened for your good, God does not have time to waste after you.” She said almost sounding like some agent of God.

“And now I leave for the office”. She said while combing her hair.

“Do not leave; it hardly matters, at night shift there is virtually no news for you, no breaking or flash news stuff comes up”, I said trying to coax her to spend the evening with me. But she was a professional.

“Okay When will I get the reply”, I again asked her.

“You never know, may be before I die”. She said and left.

She was right, I had to redeem myself, my whole life was wasted in blaming God, criticizing others yet I never tried improving myself. It was high time that I had to work on myself, my attitude. Success is a journey not a destination and in the journey each failure teach us something and this failure taught me that “you have to get up each time you fall and the early you get up better would be your chances to overcome others”.

Later at night, just before sleeping I switched on the television. It was 10 p.m and I was glued to the match, India won the match against England. I wanted to see the highlight so tuned into news channel. It had a breaking news at 10, “funny” I thought trying to remember the conversation I had with Anushka, “May be it would be about team India’s victory”, but sadly it wasn’t.

Every channel said only one thing. ‘Breaking News’.

Pass and Aggregate Chapter 18: On a downward Spiral

Chapter 18: On a Downward Spiral

Over with the audit in Ahmedabad I was back at my office and finally was given leave to prepare for my exams. I thought three months were adequate and all my practical training was sufficient enough to cope with the strenuous examinations, which according to many are the toughest examinations of the world. I don’t know the level of difficulty for CA examination Vis- a-Vis other exams yet to tell you the truth they are indeed strenuous and tiring and backbreaking and arduous. I can go on for hours describing the difficulty but I know not many people can understand it.

The happiness of three months scaled down and I had to face the severity of the exams and now that I stood so close to it my level of anxiety towards a brighter future increased. I joined coaching classes trying to complete the syllabus which was unending. The readers might be thinking about my insincerity towards studies but frankly speaking I have never seen any person who can boast about the course completion before exams not even in a jest. My interaction with my family was low and with Anushka it was even lower. I sulked and I sulked enough to irritate her, at times I did not reply her messages and at times I used to call her at the oddest times and her unavailability at those times led to sulkier moods. I now realize I was quite unreasonable with her, but thankfully she was a patient and even during those times she would not utter an unkind word to me. I had nothing on my mind except exams, coaching classes, study material and such uninteresting stuff. I looked like Devdas before exams and everybody thought I was aiming for the top rank.

During the breaks from studies I conceived many funny thoughts and would share one with you too. I hope no one gets offended but I tried to comprehend similarity between girls and my subjects in CA exams, it is just an assessment and it is meant only for the sake of light banter and is certainly not intended to upset the sensibilities(or the lack of it) of the fairer sex. And mind you this description or imagination may differ from person to person. I believe this intense study on my part would enable guys to make an informed choice, and you can call it ‘A CA guide to know your girl type’.

The type of girls as per CA Syllabus can be classified as

1. Accounting a boring, serious type, over demanding subject (girl) that would take your hours but the output of the conversation with such girls or such subject is lesser than the input. When a considerable time is being spent on such girls’ aka subject you would realize that your approach towards them was not correct from the beginning. Like the subject of accounting, there are girls whose ultimate aim is to balance the equation, they would respond you in terms you have approached them and not a penny more or less. I would recommend such girls to really boring and uninteresting fellows, and if any other kind of guy picks such girl she would transform him into a dull and boring person.

2. The second type of girl, Financial Management types are often most hard to get and if you get them you would be considered as lucky fellow. Like the subject where you sweat it out and get mastery, such type of girl would love you back if you made enough efforts to woo her. Hot and sexy, difficult to handle but perfection leads to real love. And Yes I would put Anushka into such bracket.

3.I would pity you if you ever fall in for the Audit types, like the subject, the girl would keep on asking you questions, would be paranoid about you and would ask you to express your love more often , she might suffocate you to death.

4.Then there is the ‘law’ types, which is mysterious dynamic unpredictable, you love such kind of girls and such subjects in spite of their queerness or there freaky ways. They might leave the conversation in between leaving you baffled and puzzled. But at the end of the day you are refreshed with their company.

I do not know whether the observation which I have made are right or they need some modifications yet I would like to believe that any reader would not pronounce me as completely wrong. And one thing for sure if you are a guy you cannot take few things out of your mind, girls being one of them (Pardon me if I sound as a ‘Sexist’, it was not intended).

Coming back to my studies and exams, finally ten days were left before the exams and by this time I was over exhausted with the studies, I sort of burnt myself and now I faced a performance pressure, I thought my mind blanked and all that was read was forgotten. An examination preparation is like the graph of Marginal Utilities, with the passage of time the additional amount of hours put in would not result into additional learning.

That day I chatted with Anushka, though she was reluctant to talk to me because of the exams yet she relented under pressure. I was quiet on the phone, she said soothing words to encourage me yet those words could not calm down the anxiety that I had. I said her thanks but returned to my bed unsatisfied and broke.

I was almost on the verge of giving up when all of a sudden the bell rang, to my surprise, my mother was standing outside the door, seeing her at this moment I could not control myself and started crying.

“Adithya, behave”! Mother said, while she was trying to calm me down.

Mothers like God know everything about their kids; she was with me just at the time when I needed her. Even after growing up when we think we feel vulnerable, the presence of your mother can make you feel secure. I was once again beaming with positive thoughts and life. Thank God he created clones of himself and sent them down for us.

She knew I was a stressed with my sullen voice over the phone two days ago she thought I was depressed and hence she could not control herself without coming to Bombay. A mother can listen to what a child wants to say even if it is not communicated with words.

With her presence the atmosphere changed, she took my care and Kripal too was not left unshowered by her maternal instincts. I gave my exams in a hassle-free manner and high spirits, the exams were great and the day I finished my exams I was so happy, it was as if I had mounted the Everest at a go (Don’t take me wrong, I know the results were not but the amount of perspiration that goes in the preparation of the exams, one tends to think that way).

The day I finished my exams, mom left for Delhi, asking me to visit them soon and I thought I would surely do that in few days but I forgot that my articleship was still pending, and my boss made sure that ‘Dilli abhi door hai’. I had to join my office the very next day after the exams, it was inhuman on the part of our office to have such a rule, at least 2-3 days leave was necessary after such a gruesome schedule but no office has ever been considered as a ‘Missionary of Charity’, and mine was no different.

 Next few days were boring as ever but thankfully Anushka was now in Bombay, and she had joined the news channel. Her work with news Channel was tiring for her and frustrating for me. Tiring because she was now a busier soul between both of us and frustrating for me because I was degraded in her list of priorities. I was also sort of jealous as she was working under the super suave and handsome, intelligent editor.

We met rarely, we fought gravely, I was insecure about her but that happens when we love someone. At times I thought she was insensitive about my feelings, while she claimed that she either could not decipher my feelings or was just pulling my leg over some issue. All I remember that those were not the best of the times we were seeing as a couple.

“But wait, are we a couple, you see technically I have not proposed her.” I said, while I was discussing our (Me and Anuskha) latest duel with Kripal.

“Dude, are you kidding me, do you kiss without being a couple”, he said while giving me the queerest looks.

So now it was certified that we were a couple and as couples it was our duty to fight and then any one of could take the initiative and patch up. Although any one of us could have patched up but believe me there is nothing as inflated as a male ego and even being at fault I thought that she should call me. I would have said sorry had she called but she did not call and hence I never apologized. ‘Loss of Communication’, ‘Mis-Communication’, ‘No Communication’ can lead to death of relationship. Without knowing I lost one of the precious presents given to me by almighty. She just drifted away and I was not a man enough to hold her back.

“The results are out, and yes I cleared it, and that too at one go”, I wished I could have spoken those lines but those lines were spoken by some other person and I was the audience. Finally CA Final results were out and I was about to check my result. ‘9’ ‘1’ ‘1’ ‘3’ ‘2’. As I typed in the roll number, my heart skipped a beat. I looked above to say a final prayer to God and then I looked at the screen. I was frozen and stood their unmoving, even to this day  that was the worst night mare of my life, it was like macabre dance of misfortune that was being played in front of my eyes. This was not the first time that I failed in my CA exams, I knew how it worked but the problem was the marks, the score card made me realized that it was mere hard luck that led to the debacle.

My score card read Group I 216/400 and Group II 199/400, I failed in Group I because of a single subject and now I had to appear in all the subjects. In the Group II I passed all the subjects but was again 1 mark short of reaching the aggregate passing number ‘50’. So the criteria off ‘Pass’ and ‘Aggregate’ virtually robbed me of my dreams.

I know I was never a lucky person; I never was an extraordinary individual but I always dreamt big, my ambitions were never small and this day I cursed myself. I never got what I wanted but I always stood strong thinking that times would change and would change for better but that day was different I was not ready to accept it. I left the office early and did not attend the party of the person who cleared the exams, I was too jealous to be there. I came to my room and cried for the longest time, I was at a downward spiral. Telling my parents about it was even more difficult, although they said nothing but I could hear the unsaid things too. Broken dreams are hurtful more than anything; I never was able to withstand the expectations of my parents. I sat their motionless and then I thought maybe I should not live, may be a life which is full of failure be it personally or professionally has no right to continue, it should cease to go on and…………I.

Pass and Aggregate : Chapter 17 Balancing Act

Chapter 17: Balancing Act

Prayers being listened by God and I being drenched by the eternal flow of love, was an experience which cannot be narrated by mere words. There are certain surreal feelings which cannot be explained or talked about, passion being one of them. We were getting close yet we were far, there was still space of few silences between us. Many of you might be wondering what would have happened post the ‘Chivalric Kiss’, yes the kiss was one of the blunders that I committed. I being not so sure of her reaction kissed her on the forehead, just trying to play safe, but when the next occasion of kissing her came she offered her forehead again and that was preposterous according to me. An act of chivalry but leading to the path of the grave was uncalled for. Instead of being rewarded for my demeanor, I was being punished. Do not judge me as some kind of lecherous fellow who was interested in a kiss but I just thought that she did not trust me with a sweet kiss how would she trust me with her life and that was hurtful. I knew we had our boundaries and the family culture, Indian ethos but still it was a matter of her conviction and confidence in me which I thought was far from being complete.

I thought of talking to her on those lines but either she was not getting my point or she was acting of not getting my point, she just gave me a smile, the meaning of which could not be deciphered, she always left her sentences incomplete while speaking on the subject and I kept on wondering like a student in the examination hall “What went wrong this time?”  Girls are indeed complicated; you can never know what is cooking in their mind. At times when I thought I made a witty remark even the slight smirk on her face took away the glory of my sarcasm and when I thought she was making fun of me she was actually trying to pamper me with her tender words.  

The stint in Ahmedabad was good at a personal level; it was a sort of awakening of me. True love can often have a liberating influence on one self and I too felt liberated. We met daily and any day when we could not meet appeared to be longer than usual. The city of Ahmedabad to me was like City of love, Paris. We used to go to the parks, the lakes, the malls and the cafés; everything was so far so good except a tension was playing all along on my mind and that were my exams which were too close. Although I tried studying but work and my love affair kept me busy and whatever little time I could take out from it was spent in teaching my sister, who was already upset about the number of hours I was spending with Anushka.

“I am going to tell mom, that you are not studying and you are simply wasting your time and energy and money on Anushka” said Akshayaa teasing me.

Time and energy was not wasted, time was invested and energy was rechanneled, money I don’t think was much to be argued upon as we always shared the bill, so why was my darling sister so spiteful towards my girl.

“Dare you say a word about her, I swear even I have quite a few material in your respect which I would not mind sharing with Mom” I said in a rhetoric tone, trying to remind of her boyfriend on the campus.

Akshyaa was baffled for a second; she never thought I could be so venomous; I behaved like a little kid who was out there to protect his toys. Even I never thought I could be so possessive about Anushka.

“Aditya, you are so dead, I will never forgive you all I wanted to tell you was that you should study, only four months are left before you give your exams” Akshyaa said, sounding very harsh.

She was right, and this comment made me more nervous than ever. I had to think of my career. After all ‘Romance is the privilege of rich not the profession of unemployed’. I had to now take my career seriously over other things; I had to do a balancing act. In life we all should strive to attain a balance, since a situation of extremes is neither suitable nor desirable. I had no idea how would I do it but I had to do it.

 The next time when I met Anushka I told her about the meeting that transpired between me and Akshyaa. I thought she would be angry but surprisingly she was calm, composed and said “Aditya, I can understand the anxiety of your sister and whatever she says is true, so as a solution now we will meet twice a week rather than on daily basis”.

I could not utter any word that day, because I wanted to be with Anushka but my studies were also on priority list. I simply nodded to her suggestion. After that day we met rarely although we agreed meeting twice a week but the meetings became few. I was lost in work and studies; I had huge books, voluminous data to study, to comprehend and to grasp. I even took a coaching at the insistence of Jignesh which was helpful.

I was confused about my relationship status, on certain occasions I felt Anushka was avoiding me and at times I felt everything was normal, we chatted on Facebook but more often we disagreed and fought for no sane reasons, and all the time was spent on fighting and than making up.

Once, while chatting on Facebook she revealed to me.

“Do you know Aditya, you resemble to a very handsome looking journalist on a News Channel, and when I saw you I could almost connect to him…”

And before she could complete her sentence I was surrounded by the green eyed monster, I was so jealous, I mean she was trying to tell me that she liked me because I resembled a spectacled, over the top, shouting and excited news anchor. I despised this anchor so much; he was so authoritarian and never allowed his guests to speak but to my sweet heart he was the most dashing, quick witted humorous and nationalistic figure, she never chatted during his show. To counter her I showed my penchant for movie actresses or even Shruti but she never showed her covetous side. I still do not know whether she was actually above the vices and sins of envy and jealousy or she kept those feelings to herself to irritate me even further.

I being a man and men being rational fools kept on analyzing her behavior towards me which oscillated between ‘I am her good friend’ to ‘I am her special friend’ and when I dared to ask her to define my position in her life she started crying which though was not intended but she being a woman and women being sentimental fools tears were sure to follow.

My relationship of almost three months had to face another onslaught in near future and that was long distance. The audit ended and I had to report back to Mumbai. Anuskha had three more months before she returns to Mumbai after her internship with a News Paper in Ahmedabad.

I was meeting her for the last time before I appear for my exams; we met at Drive-in, the open air Cinema. When I broke the news of going back to Anushka she had tear in her eyes, and pardon me but those tears somehow were exhilarating to me, though I was not driving any sadistic pleasure but at least they symbolized her affection for me.

“Do study, and please do not take any tension, you will definitely come out with flying colors’”, She said.

I just nodded, last three months flew by so soon, I thought. So much has changed, it seemed like a fairy fiery tale full of its ups and down, twists and turns but still it was worth every bit of it. I had balanced the relationship well along with work and my studies and I was proud of it, Anushka was equally supportive and I patted myself on back for having selected her.

Just few minutes before the movie ended, she took me by hand. I was surprised because she never had been a domineering person and before I could even comprehend what was happening I ultimately received my farewell gift. It was good while it lasted, even later if I may say so. Without going into the details I would just reveal the curse of ‘Chivalric Kiss’ was over. 

Pass and Aggregate : Chapter 16 Prayers Heard

Chapter 16: Prayers Heard

Beginning in Ahmedabad began on a sad note with Anushka departing and the amazing journey coming to an end. Still there was hope of meeting her again. Although it was premature to predict a romance while I just had embarked on a friendship note yet something told me that the journey has started. My prior experience with love was not a very remember able affair but that had not dither me from reentering the world of ardor with new zeal and enthusiasm.

My thoughts of romance were cut short by the accountant Jignesh who came to receive me at the Bus Stop.

“So how was your journey?” asked Jignesh.

I just answered “Good” (remembering Nagendra Rao’s instruction to behave in an ‘appropriate manner’).

Ahmedabad was not a big city like Mumbai or Delhi but there was something charming about it. The sun shone brightly and it signaled the mercury that would be reaching during the day. I was exhausted and although I had the best journey of the life time still I was tired.  I kept on thinking about Anushka during the passage to the guest house from bus stop but that never provided me the respite from the blazing sun.

After reaching the guest house I thought maybe an hour nap before beginning the work would be good enough for me, but ‘Employee proposes Boss Disposes’. My boss called me within fifteen minutes of my reaching the guest house. I was taking the bath while the phone rang; I thought it might be Aakshya asking my whereabouts in her city but no my boss was more concerned than my sister and they say blood is thicker than water.

“So have you reached the guest house?” asked boss in his eternal rude and dominating tone.

“Yes ….Sir, Good Morning”. I replied while I was drying myself with the towel, yet still soaked in the fresh droplets of instantaneous infatuation.

“Now go and start the work, remember I want you to complete the work as soon as possible and please do not procrastinate.” said Gupta.

“Yes Sir, I will try”, I meekly replied.

“I want to see the results, do you get it”, he told and then disconnected the call. It was his usual way of talking over phone. I mean he never realized how rude he was and most of the times he lacked the basic etiquette and manners of a telephonic conversation.

The day ahead was busy and tiresome, learning the process of the company for the audit and then trying to figure out the way in which I could start the same, I was lost over and over again in the labyrinth. I continued going over the audit documents of last year and the instructions I got from my office.

“Sir we will have the lunch at the Canteen (to be read as ‘Kaen teen’, in total Gujarti accent) before I show you the rest of the documents” asked Jignesh closing the files on my table. He was visibly hungry so I agreed for the lunch at the canteen of the company.

It was during the lunch when Akshyaa called up.

“Where are you Anna, you should have called me, I am waiting since morning………” and Akshyaa continued with one way traffic and without punctuations till I interrupted “I am Sorry, but now I have to go and I will come to meet you in evening, and then you can give me sermons of do’s and dont’s ”.

The food was edible yet excessively sweet and I almost felt that I was gorging on the dessert instead of the main course. Although Jignesh was jingoistic about the Gujarti food, at the table he almost convinced me that the Gujarti food is the best in the world and in near future it would overcome the popularity of Chinese and Italian and Mexican gourmet. It was his attempt to convert me from a Tam Brahm to a Gujarti, although that is a task impossible since Tamils are too proud to even consider that yet Jignesh’s sweetness was overpowering than the sweetness in the food.

I was meeting Akshyaa after a long time; she was the same yet appeared different.  She had transformed her looks and appeared more trimmed and smarter. She took me inside the temple of the highest education in India, IIM Ahmedabad. It was a normal place although I seriously believe that they should get their wall plastered and coated but according to Akshyaa the brick structure gave more aesthetic appeal to the institute.

“Anna, Thank God you are here now you are going to help with the Accounts and Finance stuff, it is so boring I cannot do it”, Akshyaa remarked while showing off the book in her hand while I was at the guided tour of the world famous institution.

And for me this moment was once in a life time situation, the dinosaur was finally scared of something and she asked me for help. The feeling that surmounted me was in no way lesser than the feeling one could get after winning an Oscar, I knew that never in life this moment would ever occur again, and I wanted to seize the opportunity before she changes her mind.

I said “Yes dear I am here to help (in a tone of triumph), Accounts is like part of me, and I will help you out. She smiled sarcastically and I was handed over the book there itself. Looking at the book my over the top reaction disappeared and I said “Now please let us go for dinner, I am really hungry”. Both of us went out for the dinner in perfect cordial way although that was unusual. We talked of everything right from her classmates to my officemates, my work to her assignments, her infatuation to my fascination. I realized that Akshyaa was now more of a friend than of the irksome sibling. She was more understanding and less critical of me. Maybe someone has rightly remarked that siblings are the in house version of friends.

Leaving her to the hostel and returning to the guest house, I thought of Anushka. I decided to call her up to say a good night but my ambitions got a jolt soon since I lost the paper on which she had written her number. My whole thoughts from friendship to dating and then may be to a happy ending came to a standstill. My carelessness cost me dearly; I was flabbergasted and kept on blaming myself for the recklessness. In just few moments I became upset and I called up Akshyaa as she was the only one who knew of my latest craze about Anushka.

“What you lost her number, wow! You are such a pathetic creature, a girl handout you her number and you in the feeling of ecstasy lost the only contact you had of her” she exclaimed.

She was right but her approach was not. I fail to understand when confronted with a grim situation the fairer sexes always want to evaluate “What happened wrong in the past”? But not “What can we do in future”? I neither liked this thing about my mother nor about Akshyaa. May be even during an earthquake they will try to analyze which seismic activity lead to the earthquake rather than running away from the affected place.

“I know”, I said almost crackling up under the intense pressure of losing the number and my sister’s scolding.

“Now please try to search her on Facebook” she suggested.

“Hmmm, ok I will, good night and take care”. I said cutting the conversation.

Facebook is not a bad idea, these days almost everyone from our age is using the social networking site, “but what if she does not exist in the networking world”, I thought. And even if she does, how would I search someone with the name ‘Anushka Patel’, I mean it is a common name these days, and what if she wants to search me, even ‘Adithya Iyer’ is a pretty common name these days I thought. My parents should have kept a more uncommon name for me and even her parents were at fault I thought. But I was determined to search her and with so many questions in mind I logged on to Facebook. As predicted there were 500+ people with that name on Facebook.  I tried searching few profiles but being much tired I slept only to hope that I find her by all means as soon as possible.

The next day at work was even more demanding, the end of my work was not in sight and my search of the perfect soul mate was now lurking somewhere behind, with every passing day the searches on profile were not yielding any result, I kept on refining results but she has disappeared without any trace. I had lost all hopes on finding her. Days just flew by and it was ten days after which I landed in Ahmedabad that I got Facebook friend request from none other than Anushka, I could not believe my eyes, after so many frantic profile searches and endless wait I finally was able to reconnect with her.

I added her as a friend and while I was viewing her profile I got a message from her on the Facebook Chat 

Anushka Patel: Hi Adithya

Where d hell r u?

I thought I will get a call from you on d same day…..

Me: Hiiiiiii, Sorry but I lost the number L, bt hw r u??

Anushka Patel: No yaar, I dnt believe u, u were avoiding me L, even I searched and found you out, you could hv done same.

Me: Trust me Anushka, plz trust me I tried and on daily basis I searched profiles but I could not find u, u can go over the history of my laptop.

Anushka Patel: No, hw can I trust u, who loses a grls number dese days ?

Me : Plz forgive me dis time, can I take u out for Coffee and we make up. It is a date. (I was praying so that she says yes, but somewhere deep in my heart, I knew she will not refuse).

Anushka Patel: Ohkay, yes, I wud pick u up this Saturday where and what time???

Me: Funny.

Anushka Patel: And what is so funny abt it???

Me: I mean a guy and grl on date and girl picking up d guy……

Anushka Patel: dat is such a Chauvinist comment Adithya. I m rethinking on my decision to go on a date wid u.

Me: No, plz I am sorry again, okay pick me up at 6:00 clock, Saturday evening from Law Garden.

Anushka Patel : okay now give ur number to me rt now, bcoz I give u who knows u might lose it again.

Me : no plz, my number 98*******4, and plz give me a missd call.

Anushka Patel: Sure and now I am going off to sleep it is late.

I saw the time and it twelve at the night, she gave me a missed call and I saved it on my mobile. I was ecstatic after the Chat and now I had to wait till Saturday, and today was Thursday. A sense of anxiety surrounded me; I could not believe what was happening around me. But somehow Shruti reappeared in my mind, maybe I was so hurt that I needed a closure and though time had elapsed but the wound remained. I always thought that I would never fall for anyone again but I constantly prayed to God to heal me of the ill feelings that I bore and carried. I was in two minds, on one hand I became unsure of my decision to date Anushka, I thought maybe I am just rushing into things, on other hand I wanted to give a try. Finally I tossed and it said ‘Heads’ which meant I was not going on a date. But that is not a rational way of thinking so I had to go, and so I went. No risk no gain was the last thought that came to my mind.

That day Anushka picked me up, I was not so sure of sitting behind a girl on a two wheeler but then I hardly got time to think, I was taken to this posh urban café which has replaced the old places of romance. The cafés these days have certain homogeneity about their interiors, their menus and the crowd which come to enjoy their lattes or espresso. When we entered the café it was the same stereotyped setting with an uninspiring environment but thankfully the August Company was a respite.

“You know, Aditya (Bang on pronunciation), I simply like this café.” She said, trying to figure out a good seat for us. “There” she said pointing to a corner; it was a secluded place comparatively. We sat there talking endlessly; I don’t remember what we were talking about but it was one of the finest conversations that I had in my life. She appeared so calm and composed yet excited enough to have the spark while she spoke and I was mesmerized rather enchanted with her aura, with every passing second I liked her even more, I wanted to possess her. I know it sounds rather lecherous but I confess that I just wanted her to be with me. Our conversation had silences too but I guess the eyes talked when the lips were silent, and then it was time to leave. I felt a piercing pain while we were leaving the café, the place which according to my standards was an over rated place suddenly was pinnacle of romance. My fable for that night was nearing to an end and now I was in a dilemma to kiss or not to kiss. Kiss is a small word but it implies a lot. It is the worst kind of predicament a guy can ever go through but I guess almost every guy would have gone through it. My mind was working at a blazing speed but heart had stopped beating.

“Should I ask her? No a kiss has to be spontaneous, girls like it that way, but what if she is not ready as yet, and then she decides never to see me again, after all it is our first date, and what if she wants a kiss but if I back out she considers me as a spineless loser, good for nothing fellow but then again girls are complicated souls we are new friends and being friendly is different from sharing a kiss because you can seldom return to being just friends” I was philosophizing all this while we were walking towards the parking.

“So why are you quiet? Say something” she said.

“Hmm, nothing it was my one of the best evenings of my life, but sadly it ended” I replied in rather quiet and somber tone without actually revealing about the whirlpool of temptations going inside my mind.

“So are you going to end your finest evening like that?” She asked.

Looking confused I asked “What do you mean, I…”, before I could even complete my sentence she stood on the tip of her toes and kissed me on my cheek. The whole world around me stood still, “Was this the green signal, should I now kiss her” I thought.

Returning back to her normal elevation after the small peck she was looking away from me, just then I held her hand and kissed her. No it was not on the lips but on the forehead. The moment was magical and it was exhilarating too. But after the kiss she hardly spoke, the silence killed me; I kept on wondering what went wrong, she just said ‘bye’ while leaving me at the guest house.

My anxiety was not sparing me, I felt so low, and when I got a SMS from Anushka, my heart skipped a beat, with trembling hands I picked up the mobile and read the message.

The message just said “Thanks, your kiss on the forehead was least expected but most memorable, you have swept me off the floor with your chivalry, I think I like you more than a friend”.

Love once again knocked my door and I was there to welcome it whole heartedly. Few feelings cannot be explained love is one of those feelings; it can surprise you, shock you, stun you and change your perspective towards life for positive. After being dejected in love once I never thought I would trust anyone with my heart and it would only be leap of faith for me to ever look out for love. I always prayed to God to heal me and finally God started hearing my prayers.