Pass and Aggregate Chapter 19 : Redeeming Myself

                          Chapter 19: Redeeming Myself

“I am not able to reach Adithya, is he with you”? Asked Kripal.

“No he is not with me.” Replied Anushka.

I would like to give a disclaimer that I do not know what exact conversation would have transpired between them but I am just trying to guess as they were talking about me and I know them well.

And although Anushka had drifted apart but for all the practical reasons we were a couple. We were in ‘on and off relationship’, talking was rare; meeting was rarer, holding hands was exceptional and kisses extinct. But we did go out with each other especially when we had a group of friends who were   dating and we did not wanted to be left alone and hated each other even more. We just exchanged a good morning and a good night message daily. Earlier the messages had lot of hugs and kisses and other love filled accessories in a verbose but later it got reduced to a formal and dry “GNSDTC”, which I would read as last nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Coming back to the nature of conversation held between my best friend and my girl friend, although I would say they never hated or despised each other but both of them felt that I am not fit to be with the other person. They were not fond of each other to be more precise.

One’s best friend cannot have much regard for One’s girlfriend and vice versa. And for this reason I have derived a premise and that is ‘if your girlfriend hates your friend and the feelings are mutual then it is a normal situation else the situation could be alarming’. I mean both these characters of any one’s life if they share a healthy relationship either could be siblings or chances of which are more could be potential lovers.

When I told Kripal about Anushka he was of the opinion that she was chirpy and was not too serious about me and for her I was just a casual fling who could get her rid of her boredom and monotonous life. (Friends are the sweetest gift of God to mankind; fact was that Anushka helped me to get rid over my boredom and monotonous life). But I never lobbied for ‘Cause Anushka’ and her feelings in front of Kripal, for if I did that, I would have been termed as a traitor and would have been banished from my circle of friends. And you all know ‘Har friend Zarrori hota hai’

And when I introduced Anushka to Kripal on a casual coffee meet, she never said anything but I could read in her eyes, her eyes said “Is he your friend!”  The sentence has an exclamation mark and you are free to interpret it, negative interpretation would be more appropriate considering the look on her face.

Returning to their assumed conversation

“I thought he would be with you, he was quite upset after the result.” Kripal said.

“What his result came out, what happened”, she asked.

“He had ………………………criteria off ‘Pass and Aggregate’, said Kripal retelling the whole horror story.

“What?  I can’t get you he passed yet he failed! Cut the crap where is he?” she questioned him.

“I have no clue, he is not at the house as no one is picking up the landline, and even Kaka is not at home so I have no idea, I therefore called you”. Kripal said.

“Okay. I think we should rush to your house, he won’t go anywhere and I am scared that he doesn’t take any drastic step.” She said almost sounding nervous. (It is my imagination so she has to sound nervous for me).

“Theek hai, reach there ASAP, I am reaching too”.

“ TRINGgggggggggggggggggggg”

“Triiinnnggggggggggggggggggggg”

I could hear the door bell but I had no energy to open the door. After getting severely depressed I came home and as Kaka was on a holiday I just ordered few Vada Pav from ‘Shri Janta Vada Pav Shenter’ (I know how to spell center but I just wanted to share the spelling written at the hoarding.)

And after eating the spice laden fare I developed nausea and kept on vomiting till I became unconscious. My unconsciousness was broken slightly by the door bell but I thought I it would be a battle to get up and I readily lost it.

After the bell, I could hear someone banging my door and then I could hear Anushka, here I thought I am dead, for how could Anushka come to my house and especially after the last episode where both of us almost came on the verge of explicitly splitting up but could not complete the conversation for some reason. May be that was her fault and though I was far mature to handle jealousies still the topic of her ex boyfriend was not needed that day. Or maybe it was my fault I just over reacted.

Some would manifest death as end of all sufferings but I thought that I was developing fever and feeling nausea and suffering from dizziness  all at once. I thought of all the good times I had seen in life, I wanted to meet my Amma and Appa, Akshyaa, my relatives and extended relatives, all my friends and cousins and my ex girlfriend and my soon to be ex girlfriend before I depart. I also had to write my will but I had nothing to offer except a huge pile of CA books, which would be useless for the next exams too. My life was in front of my eyes, I thought it was none the less an honorable life and thanked God for it and closed my eyes so that I could be lifted in His arms. And there I laid, waiting for my Final Judgment. 

“What has happened to him, he tried committing suicide”? There came a voice, which I guess belonged to the God, and yes I finally discovered that God is a woman because that was a girl’s voice.

I was happy thinking my boyish charms might lead the Goddess to decide in my favor, sending me to heaven instead of hell. But I guess I was wrong, I was going neither to hell nor to heaven.

I could smell Anushka, “Is she dead too, did Mumbai had a tsunami and all of us died, Anushka too died, and finally we will live happily ever after in  heaven” I thought. That thought was short lived as I could now hear faint voice of Kripal too. “May be even he died of Tsunami or after failing in CA exams consecutively for fifth time, he too has given up and succumbed like me”, I continued thinking.

Suddenly few drops of water were sprinkled on my face. And I realized all my stories about my death were farce, it was my imagination which was flying without restricting itself in any boundaries and now that I could see both my special people communicating I closed my eyes again.

The background score was somewhat like this….

“No he is alive, I guess he had this vada pav, and developed Delhi Belly” said Kripal, taking the half left vada pav and showing it to Anushka.

“Ohkay, Thank God, do you know any doctor in neighborhood, please call”. Said Anushka, and no she was not nervous but worried.

“Okay I will go, but that might take some time, in the mean time why don’t you give him some liquid” suggested Kripal.

I could not hear any reply; I guess she would have nodded.

Few moments later I was being fed with liquid, my head was in Anushka’s lap, and she casually stroked my head and caressed my hair. I do not know whether she or the fluid (she was feeding me with spoon) had some magical impact and I had the stamina to open my eyes. She was again looking angelic; it was bliss to look at her. However all my romantic emotions came to standstill as soon as she spoke.

“What is this Adithya, you are grown up enough to take care of yourself and you rascal you never told me that your result was coming today”, she scolded like my mother.

I had the stamina to open eyes but not enough to reply I just smiled.Later came the doctor and I was given bed rest for next five days.

I did not tell this to my parents otherwise I would have been airlifted to Delhi forever but I was not yet ready to give up. For the next five days I kept on contemplating about myself and my studies. Anuskha came in the morning before Kripal left and Kripal took my care in the evening and through the night. And though they were not best of pals but still they compromised for my sake.

“Why have you taken leave from your office” I asked Anushka, while I was eating the Apple which I was forcefully fed by her.

“I am working on a story Adithya, I wanted peace, I thought I should take a leave, and as you know peace at my place is not possible I thought I could come here and work with peace. I hope that is okay with you” said Anushka.

This was not an answer I was looking for. She could not hurt me but her tongue did pierce my heart. I guess we were just friends, not even once she looked at me with eyes overflowing with love, and I was this love sick puppy. I could actually feel the pain; it hurts where the heart is, it literally does. With Shruti I could get over the pain by thinking about her behavior for me but here was Anushka who was taking my care and adhering to my needs yet hurting me more than anyone ever did. I was rendered speechless by her answer and I slept thinking about us.

After taking a nap when I woke up I saw Anushka talking to someone on phone, all I could gather from the conversation was that Anushka was working on night shift those days and spent her days looking after me, the hurt was all gone I was excited and love was all over again. It is so strange our perspective about love changes so much and so soon, but then again doubt crept in.

“It is quite possible that she is doing this for me as a friend, but then why would she tell a lie” I kept on asking this question to myself over and over again without getting any reply. While I was thinking about I saw Anushka slept on the couch near the window. She looked harmless while sleeping, the wind blowing past her face was kissing her and she looked radiant as ever. I almost cursed myself of letting her go like that, only because of a stupid argument where although I was not at fault still that silly argument cost me heavily. She was not into deep slumber; she got up and saw me observing her, she sat their motionless allowing me to take my eyes off her.

I got up from the bed, she was still motionless, I went straight down to her knees without giving her much escape route, I was too close to her and could almost feel her breath, I said “Anushka, I do not know what do you feel for me, but I have to tell you what I feel for you. I do not expect a reply from you but I expect a hearing from you, my situation is really bad these days, I have just flunked my CA exams and I feel like a loser right now but still I have the nerve to tell you that despite of all the arguments we had, I still respect your view point, we may not agree but we can agree to disagree, okay?”

She just nodded looking to me more confused and a bit fearful. And there was I, speaking with great guts some rubbish stuff about the arguments.

“I have to tell you, that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life, when you smile I think I am surrounded by spring, when your eyes are moist, dark clouds hover me, your voice is like chimes always tinkling and bringing good luck to me. You have an enigmatic aura; your smell makes me feel hypnotized. When I hold you I do not want to leave you even for a second, the warmth that you fill in my heart is sufficient to hold me even on a winter’s night. When I do not get a message from you in the morning, I get terrified that you might be angry with me over some stupidity of mine and when you take time in replying to my message at night I fear that I have lost you to someone, and this is not because I do not trust you but it is so because I know any person in the world would die to be with you and that I would lose you to someone. My insecurity is not because of mistrust but due to my bad luck, I never got I wanted and hence I am scared that you too would leave me. I love you and I would actually die if you leave me.” I said that, I still can’t believe I said that.

Then there was a silence and she was about to open her mouth and may be to contradict a point but I did not waste a single second to kiss her. Sorry to disappoint but the kiss remained a kiss and did not lead to anywhere. She held my face with her ivory colored palms and said “ Adithya I trust every word of what you said but I am not sure of my feelings for you, I simply cannot understand it.”

I asked in a very disappointed tone “So is it a no”?

“No, it is not a no” she replied, I was almost jumping but then she said “It is not a yes either” she said while trying to get up from the couch and giving a smirk, the meaning of which remains unknown to me.

“But Adithya, all things apart, why do you feel you are unlucky, I mean you have such an understanding parents, your sister, your friends and what more do you need, regarding your result do not over react, you can give them again, it is not a dead end, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have to take a stock of your situation and work hard, stop blaming your luck, there are others who are not as fortunate as you are. If you do not get anything which you wanted it has happened for your good, God does not have time to waste after you.” She said almost sounding like some agent of God.

“And now I leave for the office”. She said while combing her hair.

“Do not leave; it hardly matters, at night shift there is virtually no news for you, no breaking or flash news stuff comes up”, I said trying to coax her to spend the evening with me. But she was a professional.

“Okay When will I get the reply”, I again asked her.

“You never know, may be before I die”. She said and left.

She was right, I had to redeem myself, my whole life was wasted in blaming God, criticizing others yet I never tried improving myself. It was high time that I had to work on myself, my attitude. Success is a journey not a destination and in the journey each failure teach us something and this failure taught me that “you have to get up each time you fall and the early you get up better would be your chances to overcome others”.

Later at night, just before sleeping I switched on the television. It was 10 p.m and I was glued to the match, India won the match against England. I wanted to see the highlight so tuned into news channel. It had a breaking news at 10, “funny” I thought trying to remember the conversation I had with Anushka, “May be it would be about team India’s victory”, but sadly it wasn’t.

Every channel said only one thing. ‘Breaking News’.