Pass and Aggregate Chapter 18: On a downward Spiral

Chapter 18: On a Downward Spiral

Over with the audit in Ahmedabad I was back at my office and finally was given leave to prepare for my exams. I thought three months were adequate and all my practical training was sufficient enough to cope with the strenuous examinations, which according to many are the toughest examinations of the world. I don’t know the level of difficulty for CA examination Vis- a-Vis other exams yet to tell you the truth they are indeed strenuous and tiring and backbreaking and arduous. I can go on for hours describing the difficulty but I know not many people can understand it.

The happiness of three months scaled down and I had to face the severity of the exams and now that I stood so close to it my level of anxiety towards a brighter future increased. I joined coaching classes trying to complete the syllabus which was unending. The readers might be thinking about my insincerity towards studies but frankly speaking I have never seen any person who can boast about the course completion before exams not even in a jest. My interaction with my family was low and with Anushka it was even lower. I sulked and I sulked enough to irritate her, at times I did not reply her messages and at times I used to call her at the oddest times and her unavailability at those times led to sulkier moods. I now realize I was quite unreasonable with her, but thankfully she was a patient and even during those times she would not utter an unkind word to me. I had nothing on my mind except exams, coaching classes, study material and such uninteresting stuff. I looked like Devdas before exams and everybody thought I was aiming for the top rank.

During the breaks from studies I conceived many funny thoughts and would share one with you too. I hope no one gets offended but I tried to comprehend similarity between girls and my subjects in CA exams, it is just an assessment and it is meant only for the sake of light banter and is certainly not intended to upset the sensibilities(or the lack of it) of the fairer sex. And mind you this description or imagination may differ from person to person. I believe this intense study on my part would enable guys to make an informed choice, and you can call it ‘A CA guide to know your girl type’.

The type of girls as per CA Syllabus can be classified as

1. Accounting a boring, serious type, over demanding subject (girl) that would take your hours but the output of the conversation with such girls or such subject is lesser than the input. When a considerable time is being spent on such girls’ aka subject you would realize that your approach towards them was not correct from the beginning. Like the subject of accounting, there are girls whose ultimate aim is to balance the equation, they would respond you in terms you have approached them and not a penny more or less. I would recommend such girls to really boring and uninteresting fellows, and if any other kind of guy picks such girl she would transform him into a dull and boring person.

2. The second type of girl, Financial Management types are often most hard to get and if you get them you would be considered as lucky fellow. Like the subject where you sweat it out and get mastery, such type of girl would love you back if you made enough efforts to woo her. Hot and sexy, difficult to handle but perfection leads to real love. And Yes I would put Anushka into such bracket.

3.I would pity you if you ever fall in for the Audit types, like the subject, the girl would keep on asking you questions, would be paranoid about you and would ask you to express your love more often , she might suffocate you to death.

4.Then there is the ‘law’ types, which is mysterious dynamic unpredictable, you love such kind of girls and such subjects in spite of their queerness or there freaky ways. They might leave the conversation in between leaving you baffled and puzzled. But at the end of the day you are refreshed with their company.

I do not know whether the observation which I have made are right or they need some modifications yet I would like to believe that any reader would not pronounce me as completely wrong. And one thing for sure if you are a guy you cannot take few things out of your mind, girls being one of them (Pardon me if I sound as a ‘Sexist’, it was not intended).

Coming back to my studies and exams, finally ten days were left before the exams and by this time I was over exhausted with the studies, I sort of burnt myself and now I faced a performance pressure, I thought my mind blanked and all that was read was forgotten. An examination preparation is like the graph of Marginal Utilities, with the passage of time the additional amount of hours put in would not result into additional learning.

That day I chatted with Anushka, though she was reluctant to talk to me because of the exams yet she relented under pressure. I was quiet on the phone, she said soothing words to encourage me yet those words could not calm down the anxiety that I had. I said her thanks but returned to my bed unsatisfied and broke.

I was almost on the verge of giving up when all of a sudden the bell rang, to my surprise, my mother was standing outside the door, seeing her at this moment I could not control myself and started crying.

“Adithya, behave”! Mother said, while she was trying to calm me down.

Mothers like God know everything about their kids; she was with me just at the time when I needed her. Even after growing up when we think we feel vulnerable, the presence of your mother can make you feel secure. I was once again beaming with positive thoughts and life. Thank God he created clones of himself and sent them down for us.

She knew I was a stressed with my sullen voice over the phone two days ago she thought I was depressed and hence she could not control herself without coming to Bombay. A mother can listen to what a child wants to say even if it is not communicated with words.

With her presence the atmosphere changed, she took my care and Kripal too was not left unshowered by her maternal instincts. I gave my exams in a hassle-free manner and high spirits, the exams were great and the day I finished my exams I was so happy, it was as if I had mounted the Everest at a go (Don’t take me wrong, I know the results were not but the amount of perspiration that goes in the preparation of the exams, one tends to think that way).

The day I finished my exams, mom left for Delhi, asking me to visit them soon and I thought I would surely do that in few days but I forgot that my articleship was still pending, and my boss made sure that ‘Dilli abhi door hai’. I had to join my office the very next day after the exams, it was inhuman on the part of our office to have such a rule, at least 2-3 days leave was necessary after such a gruesome schedule but no office has ever been considered as a ‘Missionary of Charity’, and mine was no different.

 Next few days were boring as ever but thankfully Anushka was now in Bombay, and she had joined the news channel. Her work with news Channel was tiring for her and frustrating for me. Tiring because she was now a busier soul between both of us and frustrating for me because I was degraded in her list of priorities. I was also sort of jealous as she was working under the super suave and handsome, intelligent editor.

We met rarely, we fought gravely, I was insecure about her but that happens when we love someone. At times I thought she was insensitive about my feelings, while she claimed that she either could not decipher my feelings or was just pulling my leg over some issue. All I remember that those were not the best of the times we were seeing as a couple.

“But wait, are we a couple, you see technically I have not proposed her.” I said, while I was discussing our (Me and Anuskha) latest duel with Kripal.

“Dude, are you kidding me, do you kiss without being a couple”, he said while giving me the queerest looks.

So now it was certified that we were a couple and as couples it was our duty to fight and then any one of could take the initiative and patch up. Although any one of us could have patched up but believe me there is nothing as inflated as a male ego and even being at fault I thought that she should call me. I would have said sorry had she called but she did not call and hence I never apologized. ‘Loss of Communication’, ‘Mis-Communication’, ‘No Communication’ can lead to death of relationship. Without knowing I lost one of the precious presents given to me by almighty. She just drifted away and I was not a man enough to hold her back.

“The results are out, and yes I cleared it, and that too at one go”, I wished I could have spoken those lines but those lines were spoken by some other person and I was the audience. Finally CA Final results were out and I was about to check my result. ‘9’ ‘1’ ‘1’ ‘3’ ‘2’. As I typed in the roll number, my heart skipped a beat. I looked above to say a final prayer to God and then I looked at the screen. I was frozen and stood their unmoving, even to this day  that was the worst night mare of my life, it was like macabre dance of misfortune that was being played in front of my eyes. This was not the first time that I failed in my CA exams, I knew how it worked but the problem was the marks, the score card made me realized that it was mere hard luck that led to the debacle.

My score card read Group I 216/400 and Group II 199/400, I failed in Group I because of a single subject and now I had to appear in all the subjects. In the Group II I passed all the subjects but was again 1 mark short of reaching the aggregate passing number ‘50’. So the criteria off ‘Pass’ and ‘Aggregate’ virtually robbed me of my dreams.

I know I was never a lucky person; I never was an extraordinary individual but I always dreamt big, my ambitions were never small and this day I cursed myself. I never got what I wanted but I always stood strong thinking that times would change and would change for better but that day was different I was not ready to accept it. I left the office early and did not attend the party of the person who cleared the exams, I was too jealous to be there. I came to my room and cried for the longest time, I was at a downward spiral. Telling my parents about it was even more difficult, although they said nothing but I could hear the unsaid things too. Broken dreams are hurtful more than anything; I never was able to withstand the expectations of my parents. I sat their motionless and then I thought maybe I should not live, may be a life which is full of failure be it personally or professionally has no right to continue, it should cease to go on and…………I.