Pass And Aggregate: Chapter 7: Life without Love

Chapter 7: Life without Love.

“Answer to this question is easy, why you are not trying to understand the concept” said Karan. He was irked by my behavior in past few days. He knew everything that happened with me but he was not empathizing with me. I was so sad and lost, I mean listening to Jagjit Singh Gazal’s were never an option for me but those days I spent my time listening to all the sad songs, I felt all those songs were written for me. Death is better than love at least it ends all your sufferings. It is so sweet that in long run it gives a bitter taste. Sakshi simply told me to forget Shruti she said “Don’t worry, forget her and lead your life peacefully.” On other hand Ankit who never liked Shruti suggested. “Go call that Bl***y B***h, tell her that she is not worth of your affections and at last tell her to get lost. Dude I told you she is not your type”. But poor me, I could neither forget her nor accuse her, I was in anguish.

One day I kept sitting in the canteen, Bobby Chaddha saw me and came over. He saw my eyes, and asked me “hey what happened to you?” “Nothing” I replied. Actually I wanted to tell the whole world about my sad state but I just kept quite. He guessed about the split. He sat there comforting me and when canteen was being closed he asked me to come along. I never inquired where he was taking me I just followed him. To my utter surprise he took me to a place called Ballimaran in Old Delhi, there was some restaurant called ‘Karim’s’ which according to Bobby Chaddha served the best non vegetarian cuisine in the world. But I was vegetarian, that place for me was a hell. I could not bear the smell, I thought of running but could not offend Bobby, for he was the shoulder I was crying upon from past three odd hours. When Bobby offered me the leg piece I simply and politely declined, I declared “I am vegetarian, Bobby, I can’t eat it.” He replied “Ok, but try it once”.

“No”,I said and anticipated that he might get up, but instead he said “Keep sitting till I finish, after this I will take you some where else”. I sat there without any movement. Few moments back I was thinking about Shruti but looking at the leg piece I wondered about the Hen who was now in Bobby’s stomach, how cute that hen would have looked like, how was his family reacting to his demise, what was his thoughts while the butcher killed him, how much he would have suffered, my mind was now engulfing into a guilt, being a Iyer Brahmin I was sitting here, bringing bad name to my family. While Bobby was eating away all the dishes, all I could observe was the greed in his eyes. He should be accused of gluttony, I thought, but it was my choice to be with him. Even Shruti ate non veg but I never felt so bad, may be I was biased towards her.

Finally I gave up and ran out of that place, I puked! Bobby came out, laughing at me, he said “Give me your wallet I have to pay the bill; I gave it without asking anything. I tried to recover, he then took me to some another dingy place. I saw him with a bottle of beer, “Come on, let’s have it, celebrate your breakup”. By now I was mentally and physically exhausted.  No one could understand the perturbed state of my mind. Finally I did something for which I can never forgive myself; I gave in to the enticing bottle of beer in Bobby’s hand.

The journey with Bobby came to a halt on G.B Road, the most infamous road of Delhi where the oldest profession of the world is practiced. It was a very strange place, some kind of a busy place, something about it was disturbing, I was in the biggest red light area of Delhi. Bobby opened my wallet and took out every penny out of it and exclaimed “There is not much money for both of us! Never mind, this time I will pay for you, but next time….!” I lost my senses by then and just said “you carry on.” I sat on the pavement aimlessly thinking whether I should go inside. 

When I was sitting and cursing my luck for all that has happened to me in my life I saw a girl. She was noticing me from the minute Bobby had left. She was a very fragile looking girl, she had very small eyes, I think she was a Nepali, she would have been 15 or 16. I had goosebumps all over. Akshyaa’s faced flashed in my mind. Her dressing style was provocative and her mannerisms were cheap and vulgar, her expressions suggested that I should choose her, over others, but there was something about her eyes which were speaking volumes about her. Her eyes were tired and sick of this place I guess she was doing this out of compulsion. At times hunger can land you in the most unwanted places. No one would imagine or would want to become a prostitute, there would be some duress on this girl other wise she would be have been going to some school, making something good of her life. To sacrifice a character a great deal of pain is involved yet she was doing it. I could visualize the circumstances at her home which forced her into this bad world, where nothing but loneliness and death awaits her. I did a hellish thing by going there.

Suddenly I remembered my great grand father who tried to rehabilitate Devdasis of few countryside temples in Madras Presidency and I felt disgusted with myself. I thought myself to be lowly and a wretched guy. A girl(Shruti) who had no concern or love for me had made me stand on the doorsteps of doom. I got up, I looked up in my pocket which still had a hundred rupee note, I took it out and gave it to that girl and just walked away. By now I was back to my senses, the girl standing there who was enticing customers had more problems than I could ever imagine. Seeing the miseries of the world I realized that we should thank God for what He has given us instead of complaining Him for what he has not given. I thank God he saved me before I could enter the point of no return. That day I promised that I would never give into drinking alcohol.  It makes you loose your senses, and having  something which renders you out of control is neither fashionable nor needed.

I reached home and opened the door with the duplicate key I had. My parents were awake, seeing me dad asked “Where were you?” I lied “I went to the CA library and then to Karan’s house”. He was suspecting me, but I dare went closer to him, he might smell the alcohol. I said “Ate at Karan’s house, now I am tired and going to sleep”. My mother shouted “at least tell us about your plans, you left the mobile at home today, did’nt even thought of calling from Karan’s home!” I left the conversation incomplete.

I went to the room and bolt it from inside. I lay on my bed, motionless and frozen, the more I thought about that girl the more I had guilt creeping inside me, ‘An Albatross around my neck was hung’. 

That day my life changed forever, I made it clear to my mind that I should pay back to the society where I live; I wanted my life to be meaningful. The torturous and depressing night that brought irrevocable memories passed and clouds dimness dispersed away.