Pass and Aggregate Chapter 5:Regret

Chapter 5: Regret

Fine! Nothing was going to be fine ever. Shekhar committed suicide that night. No one told me. I was half asleep when next morning my mother broke the news about his death. It was flashed on all the news channels. My sleep disappeared. I still cannot forget the face of the news reader who in a very insensitive way said in colloquial Hindi “Marnewala 21 saal ka ladka Shekhar Batra, shayad sandigdh tor par Gay tha….” Those words still pierce me,I don’t think they could have mean more sleazy, they kept on repeating as if he was some criminal, had it been some other person I would not have been bothered, but he was Shekhar, my friend, so what if he was gay, no I am not advocating for anything all I meant was a respect for the person who was dead and gone. I could not control myself, I was crying. I got ready to leave for his home but my mother told “Why are you going, he was a gay and there would be police!!!!” “So what, I don’t care, he was my friend!” I exclaimed. I was in no mood to listen her, all I could think was about the last day when we met, I could have helped him, he died because no one had time for him, he died because I let him die.

When I reached his home I saw his parents, to me it was the most painful scene. His mother had lost her sense, his father was standing motionless, and his younger brother was looking at his corpse in utter disbelief. His family had no words only tears. There were not many known people at his home, only 2 or 3 relatives, police and media. No friends, no acquaintances. A person who was always surrounded by a mob was so alone in his last journey. Few times even our shadows leave us in our journey of life, he was alone there. I was his killer, had I tried to listen him he would have been saved. I could not even give him a part of me, my time. To me this place was a torture and every moment spent there was killing me.

The police saw me and asked me about him “Did you know about his sexual orientation? When did you last meet him? What kind of friendship you had…..” they continued for about 40 -45 minutes but to me it appeared in years. Later cam e the media wolves, they hounded me for another hour. I was exhausted. By that time it was time for Shekhar to start his last journey, it was anguishing to see him like that, I kept on praying to God so that some miracle happens and he lives again. But person who leaves for that world can never come back. His cherubic face was haunting me, he lay there motionless. His mother started kissing him fervently. She begged all of us not to take him; when I lifted him on my shoulder I whispered to him “Sorry Buddy”, I could have saved him. It is not easy for a father to lighten the pyre of his son. I could see uncle crying. All their hopes got burnt in that pyre. Shekhar left everyone………

Life teaches us so many things but at times even death can teach few things. I learnt that lesson after loosing someone so special that I hope such a lesson is never taught to anyone. We keep on deferring things, we take people and relationships for granted and we loose them; this incident had made me resolve never to push back things. Tomorrow never comes. I was scared of morbid death; life was not going to be same again.

I came back home from the crematorium. My mother was upset, she asked me to take bath as I return from the house of death. She thought I would become pure after taking a bath but I was tainted permanently. Nothing could clean my soul. In my bathroom I started the shower, but the images during the day kept coming to my mind, I sat there and I howled, I kept on washing myself , I could see blood on myself. I was suffering like Lady Macbeth. I remained there for a time unknown, and then I slept. In my dream I saw Shekhar; he kept on talking to me as if nothing happened, but when I tried touching him, he disappeared. I woke up next morning at 9. My mother was sad to see me like that, she came and sat near me. I put my head in her lap and told whatever was inside me, even she cried with me.

The guilt inside me could not go; I often visited Shekhar’s home to meet uncle and aunty and his younger brother Shashank. I vowed that I would always stand by them like Shekhar did. The police inquiry revealed that he was blackmailed by few people about his sexual preference and he committed suicide rather than taking his parents into confidence. His dad told me that though he disagreed with Shekhar on his life style and choice of profession but he would have never let his son die, had he knew about this. Even I confessed him about our meeting. He was not upset about my confession but said we have to accept the decision of the almighty. Till this day I often feel bad, how would have Shekhar felt all throughout, he suffered silently and silently he passed away.

With time even I healed a bit, I had to prepare for my college exams for which I was relaxed earlier but later I picked up the pace. After Shekhar’s death I did not met Shruti for a very long time, then both of us were busy in our exams so we decided to meet after exams. In all these days I made a new friend, she was extremely supportive and sensitive. I am talking about my mother, I rediscovered her, as a friend.